I’m a writer, so of course words matter to me. But the words which are really crucial – the words which can lift our day or kill it – are the ones which we use to communicate with.
Words have real power. That can be legal power (a verbal or written contract), or, more often, interpersonal power. Words can hurt. Words can heal. Words can build a relationship, or destroy one.
Words can also be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Sometimes we’re vague or inarticulate when we’re speaking, sometimes we’re not paying attention when we’re listening … and sometimes we simply have completely different definitions of a word.
One of many memorable conversations from SXSWi was in Pace and Kyeli’s car, with Nathalie Lussier and Andy Hayes. It was late. We’d been drinking. We’d somehow got onto the topic of words which mean different things in UK English and US English, and Andy and I explained that the word “fanny” (an innocent synonym for “backside” in the US) is a term for the vagina (or the female genitalia more generally) here in the UK.
Cue much disbelief and hilarity… (and if you want to avoid running afoul of some weird UK word, there’s a handy list UK slang here.)
If a word simply had no meaning in one language (e.g. “sidewalk” – we know it means “pavement”, but we don’t use the word in the UK), it wouldn’t be a problem. It’s when a word has two different meanings that things get tricky.
Most of my paid work is for American blogs and websites, plus I’ve seen American TV shows and films, and read American books. So I’m generally aware of words which mean something different: like “pants” meaning what I call “trousers”, not what I call “underpants”. Even so, there’s always a moment of mental translation when I hear a word which doesn’t carry the right meaning. A passing reference to my “pants” means thinking hmm, that’s kinda, er, a bit personal … oh wait, s/he means “trousers”…
And that happens even when I know exactly how my definition of the word is different.
The thing is, there’s not one homogenous version of English, in the UK or in the US, or anywhere else, where we all agree on exactly what different words mean. We each have an idiolect (”idio-” as in idiosyncratic, not as in idiot). We learn to speak from our family or from people in the area where we grow up. And this can present difficulties as we grow older, move away, meet new friends and start relationships.
When Words Get in the Way of Communication
My fiancé, Paul, uses the word “infuriated” in contexts where I’d use “annoyed”. Even though I know he has a different definition for that word, it still makes me feel tense when he uses it. A couple of days ago, I explained that, “It bothers me because I can’t even imagine saying that I was infuriated.”
He said, “Me neither. If you were ‘infuriated’, you’d be on a killing spree.”
So Paul understands how I use the word (to mean “really, genuinely, very furious”) and I understand how he uses it (to mean “annoyed”). The fact that this still causes tension shows just how powerful words can be.
Why? In this case, I think it’s because “infuriated” pushes my buttons. I don’t deal with other people’s anger very well. Even when it’s obviously not directed at me, I take it too personally. I want to do anything I can to defuse angry situations. I sometimes get angry at myself, but I rarely get angry with other people. I get grumpy and irritable, but I’m very rarely angry.
In any relationship, there are going to be words which mean different things to each partner. Paul and I come from roughly the same bit of the UK (the south-east), and from broadly similar backgrounds, so I can only imagine the effect is much stronger for many other couples.
What can we do about it? It helps to check with people what they mean, especially if you’re starting to feel anxious, prickly or defensive. If I say to Paul, “When you tell me you’re infuriated, what does that mean to you? How angry are you?” then I’ve got a much better chance of understanding him.
I’ve just finished reading Pace and Kyeli’s excellent book on communication, The Usual Error, and they mention that “degree terms” (like “very”, “quite”, “a little”, “a lot”, “soon”) can be confusing. They have a neat idea which I’m tempted to try:
We use a scale from -10 to +10, with -10 being incredibly horrible, 0 being neutral and +10 being incredibly wonderful. … We came to terms on several of the numbers, talking about how good or bad different experiences were for us and agreeing on a shared scale. Now we can accuratel compare our preferences.
(Pace and Kyeli Smith, The Usual Error: Why We Don’t Understand Each Other And 34 Ways to Make It Better, Amazon.com / Amazon.co.uk)
Talking to Yourself
The words we use to communicate with others are crucial. But the words we use in our own heads also matter, a lot.
Over the past couple of years (since knowing the fantastic Tim Brownson, in fact), I’ve been making an effort to avoid telling myself that I “should” do this or ”have to” do that. It’s a hard habit to get out of, but I have noticed that I feel much more positive about my life when I rephrase things in my head.
If you say you have to do something, then there is no option. Not a bad thing you may be thinking after all we need to breathe, we need to work and we need to tell everybody we know to read this blog. However, when we use those kind of expressions to describe things that really aren’t needed, don’t have to be done and aren’t necessities we put an undue amount of pressure on ourselves. We start to feel like we’re backed into a corner and have no way out.
(Tim Brownson, Mind Your Language, The Discomfort Zone)
Instead of “I should write a blog post this afternoon,” I’ll say that “I want to write a blog post this afternoon” or even simply make a statement of intent: “I’m going to write a blog post this afternoon.”
When I decided that the word office has negative connotations for me, I decided that the room I’m going to have in our new house will be my study. It might sound like such a tiny, semantic difference – but altering one word can reframe my whole relationship with my workplace.
If you find yourself constantly using strict, harsh words within your own thoughts, think about ways you could change them. Be particularly cautious about words like need and should – because they’re often not true. You don’t need a slice of chocolate cake … though you may want one, and that’s fine. And who says you should clean the kitchen? (Are you worrying about what other people will think?)
Limiting Words can Limit Your World
There are certain words that we unhelpfully limit. I wrote about the word “work” couple of weeks ago with What Is Work? And Why Does It Matter? and offered some thoughts about the word “productivity” in a guest post a few weeks back on Productive Flourishing – The Missing Half of Productivity Advice: Why Women Need to Get Involved.
Of course words have concrete meanings and can’t simply be used to refer to whatever the heck we want, but some words – like “work” and “productivity” – have broad meanings which get unnecessarily curtailed.
Your attitude towards your work, and the place which your work fills in your life, will be different depending on what meaning you give that word.
- Does “work” mean “it pays money”?
- Does “work” mean “it’s the opposite of fun”?
- Does “work” mean “a place I go to”?
It’s worth digging into what certain words mean to you, and why. Does “productivity” mean “getting as much done as possible”? Is that your definition, or something you’ve picked up along the way?
If “education” means “school” to you, you might never consider alternative ways of allowing your kids to learn. If “Christianity” (or whatever your religion is) means “my denomination”, you might have rejected ways of worshipping, praying and relating to God without even considering them. If “justice” means “punishing bad people”, can it still include “feeding the hungry”?
In Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984, the fictional language “Newspeak” has been constructed to eliminate politically undesirable concepts:
A person growing up with Newspeak as his sole language would no more know that equal had once had the secondary meaning of ‘politically equal’, or that free had once meant ‘intellectually free’, than for instance, a person who had never heard of chess would be aware of the secondary meanings attaching to queen and rook.
(George Orwell, Appendix of 1984)
Orwell is a great writer, particularly on issues to do with language (his essay “Politics and the English Language” is well worth a read) and the point he’s making here is very valid. It’s hard to conceive of a concept clearly without a word to describe it. This is one of the reasons for borrowing foreign words (e.g. the German schadenfreude, which has no simple equivalent in English).
We’ve got the freedom to use whatever word we want, and to ensure that we give them their fullest meaning – rather than curtailing possibilities. I’m not suggesting that you start analysing every sentence you utter, or trying to control every single thought, but I am saying that paying attention to the language you use will have a real and concrete impact on your life and happiness.
What words mean something special or significant to you? When you talk with friends and with loved ones, how can you make sure you’re getting across the meaning behind your words?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
A couple of words that carries multiple meanings to my mind would be dog and set. There is an entire branch of Mathematics around Set theory but there are also sports like tennis that have a use for the term. Then in card games like Bridge and Euchre some may talk of setting someone else. Dog for me is almost hilarious in that in can be meant as a compliment like if Randy Jackson on American Idol asks someone, “What’s up dog?” while there is also the derogatory version of it like the saying, “All men are dogs.” This is without getting into various forms of hate speech where there is a term in UK English for cigarette that usually is interpreted as homosexual in US English.
Then there are the other idiolects like what Canadians can have at times. There are tons of words that have special meaning for me, sometimes because I took a course with those words in the title like “Asymptotic Enumeration” or “Combinatorial Optimization” to give examples where people will generally either roll their eyes or ask, “What the heck is that?” for a reaction. One of my university majors was “Combinatorics & Optimization” which gets a similar response as people just aren’t used to hearing those words. Acronyms and abbreviations are another area that I really enjoy, so for example telling someone about TLA,FLA, SLA, and ELA may be funny if they can get the joke. LA = Letter Acronym/Abbreviation where the first letter denotes a numeric value that can vary which is part of the humor to me. T = Two, Three, Twelve, Thirteen, Twenty or Thirty. F = Four, Five, Fourteen, Fifteen, Forty, or Fifty. S = Six, Seven, Sixteen, Seventeen, Sixty, or Seventy. E = Eight, Eleven, or Eighty. Granted this doesn’t translate well as I don’t think French shares some consistency.
I tend to talk in rather lengthy sentences along with some use of diction that tends to give a clear picture of what I mean. Sometimes this can get me into trouble as not everyone will ask what I mean by this or that if I get off on a rambling.
Fascinating stuff, JB! I’m not sure we use “dog” so much in the UK, but there are definitely a few words where context is crucial.
Jargon is an interesting case. We need to be accurate – particularly in technical situations – but a lot of jargon can also establish and reinforce cliques. Being able to translate into “layman’s terms” is often useful!
Hey Ali!
Love the discussion on the choice of what “work” means and what is “productive”
For me, some things that I consider productive include spending time with friends and family – since spending time with people I care about is part of my goals, and long term I believe adds value to my life. I think we can get caught in the trap of focusing too much in a single area of our life, as being “productive” is often associated with producing or working on someone’s business – to the point where that defines someones life.
I think “work” is definitely one of the words that gets a bad rap – and I’ll admit, even I use it in a negative connotation in my blog to define something unfulfilling we do just because it needs to be done
. However I don’t see my day job as “work” in that context because I enjoy it – perhaps a bit hypocritical on my part!
Sid Savara´s last blog ..Your Hunger Will Fade – Five Ways To Keep Your Dreams Alive
Sid, great point. I think a “productive” use of time really should mean something akin to a “conscious” use of it … making meaningful choices which help us build the life which we want.
We’re never going to have one simple definition of “work” — it’s always going to be a nuanced term which can be used in a negative way (”ugh, work!”) or a positive way (”I did some great work today”). But I find it helpful to think about how I’m using words like that, and why.
While written words offer their own hazards, spoken words have their own gremlins. I’ve seen things like homynms cause havoc. Especially relevant when a set of people, all whom ‘technically’ speak the same language get together.
I remember a huge misunderstanding between Indian and American coworkers over watching a particular ’serial.’ What was heard was ‘cereal.’ Hilarity ensued.
Don’t get me started on the pronunciation of the word ‘pen’ vs ‘pin’ here in the South US!
Oh gosh, yes! Accents and dialect make such a difference… I asked for “juice” in Texas and got a confused “cheese?” in response.
It’s a problem which gets masked a bit by the written word as, spelling differences and the occasional slang term aside, we don’t really have a written “accent”.
Ali,
Hope you enjoyed your trek with Paul and the gang at Thames Park. I think this was a brilliant idea: to make hay while the sun shines. Nothing to beat the outdoors and oxygen in the lungs. Good for you!
Happy to know you will be moving to a larger space. The house was long overdue, me thinks, the both of you could use extra space for entertaining guests and for storage and so many other things.
Sometimes, creative people need more elbow room, and a little extra space can go a long way. Congratulations! Wish you all the best as you will soon begin the next chapter in your lives.
I think this post is right on the money: it is important to choose your words carefully, although sometimes we tend to fall short. For example, take the words: “rubber” and “eraser.”
To someone from the British Commonwealth, a “rubber” is something you use to wipe off pencil marks in your notebook. In America, however, “rubber” means a type of birth control (condom). Pardon my French, but this is true. (Americans tend to use the word “eraser” instead of other words elsewhere).
This can create really odd situations. Imagine asking an American, “May I borrow your rubber, please?”
If you’re not thrown in jail for public indecency, you’ll probably be punched in the nose or verbally abused. Now isn’t that funny? Thus, sometimes we have to be careful about our choice of words.
“Ralph hit a home run” or “Steve hit it out of the ball-park” or “Janet scored a touchdown” can be used for employees who have filled their quotas or met their sales targets or achieved their goals/objectives.
However, in other parts of the world….people don’t play baseball or American-style football, so…
there is scope for misunderstandings to occur. Again, the choice of words is important here too.
Glad you pointed this out for us. Best wishes on your migration plans; hope it all works out for you.
Cheers!
Thanks! The house is thanks to my parents … they’re going to buy it and rent it to us. I’m very grateful, it’ll be so nice to have an actual study for my work, instead of a corner of the living room.
Yes, rubber and eraser is a great example. Good point about sports-related slang, too; I have a general idea what most of the US ones mean, but we probably have a few UK-specific ones.
Tell me about it. I recently had a major misunderstanding with somebody because I used a word to describe him over which we had different definitions. He took it as a rude remark, which was not my intention. I think it’s very important to seek using accurate and clear words, when we communicate with others, or ourselves. They can simply things.
Oh no… it’s awful when something like that happens, because it’s not anyone’s fault, just a mis-communication. I think all we can do is take a moment to breathe when we think we’ve been insulted, and ask calmly, “When you said X, did you mean..?”
I’d like to add something to the point about asking people what they mean by certain words. It’s always good to have this discussion when both parties are relaxed and are not in a tense state. Only then will the true meaning of the word be expressed.
I totally agree with the power of words. In the past, I’ve gotten into a small arguement because my friend said something which I misinterpreted. I vowed not to have that type of petty encounter again.
Julius´s last blog ..How Accessible is the iPad to Persons With Disabilities?
Great point about choosing the right moment — yes, if you’re in the middle of a heated discussion, asking for clarification might not be appropriate. Thanks for adding that!
As always Ali, you really made me think here about a subject that, quite frankly, has never crossed my mind. You’re a wonderful writer and I always appreciate your conversational style. Thanks again.
Thanks Marcus! Glad I could make you think.
All I can add to this discussion is that it the very ambiguity and multiple meanings of words that cause me to love working with them so much. There is so much subtlety and nuance and everyone has their own style. It can cause me great headaches and great joy, usually at the same time.
Chris O’Byrne´s last blog ..Interview with the rockin’ Tammy Strobel
Hurrah, Chris, thanks for chipping in with that! Yes, the English language wouldn’t be nearly as fun if our words didn’t have all sorts of associations and nuances and subtle shades of meaning. In fiction, particularly, I love that.
I loved this post, Ali!
My dad, who is also a writer, always told me when I was little, “The wise man thinks first and then speaks, the foolish man speaks first and then thinks.” He also stressed the strength and power behind the spoken word, noting that specific sounds have been shown to have healing powers (and others, destructive powers).
I agree that it’s important for us to be mindful and aware of our words, written, spoken, or thought. By paying close attention to the effect that various commonly used words have on us (words like “work”, “office”, etc.) — even if the effect is only very subtle — we can learn to improve our mental and physical state.
Raam Dev´s last blog ..My First $100 in India and a Message of Thanks
Wise words from your dad, Raam! I think words have a lot of power (and interesting points about the *sounds* of words … “work” has quite a harsh sound with that end “k”, doesn’t it?)
Hi Ali .. such a useful post, especially with the reference tools you’ve given us .. I’ll be back to reference properly .. so helpful – guidelines for us all … we’re often so unaware of word usage .. or the fact that sometimes people don’t understand the words we use .. that just seem to come out of our heads because they’re there and we know them to be appropriate and we don’t think of others ..
Excellent – thanks for writing this – have a good rest of the week – Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Folklore Notes and report back on Great British Garden Bird Watch
Thanks Hilary, glad you enjoyed it! I think it’s an area where we do need to be a little self-aware: words are so crucial to our relationships with everyone from our partners to our clients, that choosing the right ones should get a bit of thought at times.
Having a good laugh now thinking back to that conversation (and boy it was a long one – folks, you just had to be there).
Isn’t it funny that you don’t need to be from different countries to have a communications breakdown? I’ve read Pace & Kyeli’s book and it taught me a pretty powerful lesson: that we’re all individuals inside our own heads, so stop assuming everyone else is like you, stop assuming everyone else understands you, and for sure stop assuming that you understand everyone else. In other words, stop assuming so much.
Andy Hayes´s last blog ..Spiritual Travel: On Vacation with a Mission
It was a great end to the night… hehehe!
Yeah, “The Usual Error” really spoke to me too. I like the fact that it’s not just about communication in a very technical or abstract way, it’s about who we are on the inside, and how we need to respect that other people are not “us”.
Maybe this is one of the reasons I like writing fiction — it challenges me to try to *think* as someone else.
Ohmy – I don’t know how I missed this post! Thanks so much for shedding some light on how much words matter. I took a gander at the list of UK words and had to laugh a few times, mostly because I lived in the UK for 4 months and heard some of these things and yet I didn’t know what the true meaning was for a lot of them!
And yes – great convo, had to be there. No fanny packs. I also read Pace & Kyeli’s book “The Usual Error” and it rocks my socks! I think it’s one of those things we assume we’re good at (communicating) but really there’s so much to learn and practice with.
Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..Raw Food Fight #2 – Choosing Raw’s Gena Hamshaw
Hahah!
I’ve lived in the UK all my life and some of those words weren’t familiar to me (I suspect they’re regional). I’ve never before heard of “The best of British” to mean luck for instance. And some of those words are quite old-fashioned, though you’d still hear them from older folks.
If you ever need a Brit view on a word, just nab me on Twitter…
What you say and think is so essential. I heard a great quote from Karen Bell which says “Every work you say is an affirmation”. It’s true and shapes your view of reality.
Richard | RichardShelmerdine.com´s last blog ..Receiving Guidance From Your Role Models