Something I’ve become very aware of since knowing Tim Brownson is how often I say or think “I have to” or “I need to” when, actually, I don’t.
You probably do this too. Almost everyone does. I’m thinking of things like:
- I have to clean the kitchen this weekend.
- I need to phone my mother
- I have to try a bit of that cake
- I need to lose weight
In almost every case, it’s just not an accurate way to describe the situation. In particular, any time you start feeling that you have to or need to do something because it’s what society (/your friends/your dad/etc) expects, then it’s time to pause for thought.
The truth is, there aren’t many things which we truly need to do. And if you’re want a life which is meaningful and fulfilling to you, then it’s better to focus on what you want to do.
We Don’t Need To Do Much
There are also sorts of things which we might feel we just have to do. Perhaps everyone we know does the same. Perhaps we’ve been taught from an early age that we “should” do certain things.
I’d encourage you to pause a moment and think about anything where you feel you need to do something (even if you secretly hate having to). Maybe it’s visiting particular relatives. Maybe it’s your job. Or your degree. Or ironing. Or going out for a drink on Friday nights.
The truth is, we need to do very little in order to survive. We need food, water and shelter, and (arguably) some level of social contact.
All around the world, people live in vastly different cultures. And even within your city, within your street, people may be living very different lives from you.
Legal Requirements
Do we need to obey the law (as in “I need to wear a seatbelt”)? In the strict sense of “need”, we don’t, but I’d guess the consequences are such that most of us want to.
Plus, you may well hold values which include not breaking the law – even laws which you personally may disagree with.
Which leads me on to…
Do You Want To?
I think that asking ourselves what we want to do is incredibly useful – and it surprises me how easy it is to ignore or brush off this question. Maybe you feel that what you want doesn’t matter … because society (or family, friends, etc) expect a certain set of behaviours from you, and you’re obliged to stick with those.
In most cases where we grudgingly feel we “need” to do something, it’s because different wants are conflicting. Perhaps:
- You want to be a dutiful son/daughter and visit your parents regularly, but you also want to have your weekends to yourself.
- You want to eat dessert every day but you also want to lose 50lbs.
- You want to have a great time shopping but you also want to save for the future.
- You want to pay the mortgage but you also want to quit your job.
It’s tough when different wants conflict. Sometimes you might need to balance short-term pleasure with long-term fulfilment (like with dieting or getting out of debt). Sometimes you need to simply accept that there is a conflict there: perhaps you find visiting Aunty Agatha every month really boring, but the value which you place on family means you want to carry on doing so out of a sense of duty.
There might not be a perfect solution. But getting honest with yourself – about what you want to do, and why you want to – is a good start to working through a problem. It can also help you accept a particular situation in your life, rather than feeling anxious or angry about it.
What’s Important to You?
Whatever you do with your life, there’ll be someone who heartily disagrees with you. If you make unusual choices, in the pursuit of your own meaning and purpose, then you’ll almost certainly get some criticism. But even if you try to live a blameless life, doing all the things which you feel you “should” do, you’ll find that you can’t please all of the people all of the time.
I’ve said this before, but it’s worth saying again. You get to live your life. No-one else has to. So what if someone doesn’t like your pink Mohawk? It’s your hair. So what if you want to read 18th century novels or knit or play the saxophone or read web comics? It’s your time. And so what if you decide to paint all your walls bright red? It’s your house.
You get the picture. Other people’s comments and disapproval can be really hard to shrug off – I find this very tough myself. But ultimately, you’ve got to decide what matters to you, and build your life around what you really want to do.
This isn’t about pursing a hedonistic lifestyle. This is about figuring out the reasons behind something. Maybe you want to go to work because you enjoy having a regular paycheck. Maybe you want to lose weight because you’d love to be able to run around with your kids. And so on.
Over the next few days, pay attention to any time you find yourself saying “I need to…” or “I have to…” or “I should…” and ask yourself Do I want to?
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It’s obvious, but it’s also not, isn’t it? It surprises me how much I tell myself I have to do things that actually have nothing to do me whatsoever.
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For me, one of the most interesting parts of all this is when the ‘conflict’ arises – it’s probably the bit I struggle with most. If you have decided to visit Aunty Agatha out of duty – even if it’s once a month instead of once a week (as a compromise) – then the way to make the most out of it is to use some form of reframing. By this I mean – think about why you don’t like visiting her, e.g. it’s boring because all she talks about is her old friends ailments. Then find an alternative reality which is *plausible* (the plausible bit is very important) to you. So it might be that she talks about ailments because that’s all she talks about with her friends (they didn’t catch the Pop Idol final) and she’s trying to be sociable. Once you find the good (reason) behind what she does, you can approach her conversation in a different way. You say to yourself “she just wants to chat” (instead of “she just likes to wallow in ‘ill-health’ misery), and so you make more of an effort to steer the conversation to an area you both find interesting. Before you know it, the visit is over and it wasn’t as bad as you expected.
It’s a terrible example, but the best I could come up with at this time on a Saturday. Hopefully you understand, and it’s a technique that might be of some use to you.
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Good points about reframing. I usually find it’s best to attribute to people the most charitable motivations possible (”maybe he’s driving like a jerk because he’s late for a funeral…” etc). So yep, I do understand, and I definitely agree it can help.
Ali,
Insightful article. I first came to know about it from Anthony Robbins where he spoke about this extensively. It is very interesting to note how we phrase what we say and if we control it how it affects our behavior.
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I became aware of this concept when I was in a coaching group, and it really changed my thinking/behavior. It’s worked well for me to evaluate activities on a ‘keep’ or ‘delete’ basis and then say that “I choose” to do things. I didn’t realize how much of my power I was giving away when I was thinking in terms of ‘have’ and ‘need.’
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I like that “keep” or “delete” mindset — I think I’ll apply that one to a fair few things (not just time commitments but physical clutter and computer files too!)
Needs vs. wants is a good distinction. The choice is ours.
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Great post Ali! Many people do things just because they worry about what other people will say and in the process end up not happy. It is important to realize that no matter what we do, we can’t please all people, so might as well do what we like doing, not because we have to. Thanks for sharing Ali
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that’s a very good question Ali, lots of people waste time on things that they don’t really need and so become less productive, thank u:)
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I personally saw myself in the “do I have to?” situation you described, Ali.
There are things that I really need to do, and sometimes I find myself not liking the task. But what I do is I try to find something I enjoy in the task. It may be the results, the people I encounter while doing it, or the reward I would give myself after the task. This makes it all worth while, in my opinion.
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Yes … there’s always *something* good to be found in any task. (I like the song “A Spoonful of Sugar” from Mary Poppins, with the lines “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun; you find the fun and snap the job’s a game”…
“You may say I have to clean the kitchen this weekend, not lol, because society (or family, friends, etc) expect a certain set of behaviours from you, but because you have been postponing cleaning it and now its a damn dirty and unhygienic one for you to function efficiently!!
In that case isn’t it really a need?? You might otherwise fall sick cooking in such a kitchen.
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Fair point! Even then, though, you don’t NEED to clean it. For instance, you could hire someone to clean it for you (or get your housemates/kids/etc to do their share).
I think anyone who honestly makes the perilous journey from “I have to” to “I want to” deserves to be called a hero.
What surprises me the most are those times when I spend a lot of energy doing things I “have to” do, only to arrive at a more honest place of realizing that I was doing it because I wanted to all along.
And then I see other people doing things that they think they “have to” do, and I feel tempted to tell them they’re really doing it because they want to. If I have my wits about me at that point, I know it’s better to say nothing. They are not likely to believe me. And even if the did believe me, it would not be honest, since it’s not a journey I can make for them.
I usually reckon it’s safest not to offer unsolicited advice to folks … you never know who might take umbrage! And you’re right, it’s a journey we have to go on ourselves — and I think there’s a certain point you need to reach before you can even accept that some of your “have to” items are really “want to” ones.
Ali,
I like the post. This is certainly one top cognitive factors that leads people to self-criticism and stress. If we run around telling ourselves everything we “must” “should” and “have” to do, distress will become our identity. I do think this helps to push people to action, by making sure to prioritize certain things we feel are most important, or “must” do. For me I try to change my script and ask myself what “could” I do today that would be most beneficial and efficient. This seems to relieve some stress and pressure.
“Could” is a great one, it opens up options and possibilities!
Hi Ali,
I usually find it useful to ask myself 2 questions whenever I find myself saying that I “have to” or “need to” do something:
1) Says who?
2) For what?
There are many social rules no one knows who established, but people seem to stick to in order to appease an unidentified blob called “society”, when the individuals within society really don’t care what you do, but they’re all concerned about what “society” thinks!
It’s also important to know to what ends do you “have to” perform a certain act or conform to certain rules. Is it to avoid criticism? Be respectful? Grow your readership? Be more convincing? As long as I want the end result, I believe that I “have to” carry out the means. Not for anyone else, but for myself, to achieve a goal that I want.
Having said all that, I personally blame Immanuel Kant for popularizing the idea that it’s evil (or at least amoral) to pursue what you want, and that we must all live our lives in dutiful service to others. He’s the dude to reinforce a host of false dichotomies, such as need vs want, self vs other, interest vs morality.
To wholeheartedly embrace our wants, we have to abandon the moral code that condemns our wants as evil.
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Thanks Haider … I really like your two questions, and I totally agree about “society” — I’ve often been pleasantly suprirsed to find that the various people in my life are wholeheartedly supportive of what I do, regardless of whether or not it’s something that “society” would find praise-worthy…
I think Kant had some good ideas (that there are moral absolutes) but yes, I agree that duty ethics has a lot to answer for!
HI Ali!
Yes, could not agree more. This is something I often work with coaching clients around – noticing the “needs” and “have to’s” that show up in their thoughts and speech and revising them to “I choose.” As you articulate here, we really are almost always choosing. There’s a lot of power in just reframing our language, reminding ourselves that we are empowered and at choice, rather than rehashing the story over and over, with every “need” or “have to” that we are victims of our circumstances. And then, as you point out, we can get start to explore what we actually want to choose and why.
Hugs, Tara
Thanks Tara! I can imagine it’s something which most people struggle with … our language of “need” and “must” and “should” is probably ingrained in early childhood.
I think we often focus on what we “need” to do in order to avoid a bigger, often scarier need. “I need to clean the house” vs. “I need to take time for myself.” Realizing the first need is easy; others will reinforce it and might think less of us if we have a sink full of dishes, but it’s often a lot harder to find supporters for the second. I find that the less I want to do the cleaning, the more I really need to acknowledge something else that should be getting my attention and that I don’t want to admit.
Thanks. Have found myself in the same situation several times and feel bitter about it. this well spoken out and keep up
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I think that realizing that we don’t have to unthinkingly do what our society, family, or peers expect is a mojor step toward personal maturity: “I am an adult, and what I want to do is at least as important to me as what everyone else thinks I should be doing, and I can make my own decisions, accept responsibilty, and live with the consequences of my choices.” In my mind, this is the essence of maturity. In this sense, some people are mature in high school or college. Others comprehend it as they face their 40th birthday. Some people never achieve it.
Hi Ali, thanks for sharing. Well in my opinion its about being optimistic or pessimistic towards the task. I think the first step is to have a right attitude towards things in your life.
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I think we do tend to say “need to” or “have to” a lot. And I agree, a lot of times these statements aren’t necessarily true. But the truth is that we typically say these things because the consequences of not doing it to us makes us want to do the thing like mentioned in the article.
Its funny to see people use these words though, because subconsciously they’ll start to believe they do “need” a certain thing. I always see this happen with my sister, she says “I need to buy” to a lot of things. My sister is a shopaholic! So I think its best to be careful when saying these things cause it can have an effect on our subconscious minds. Use want when it is truly a want, and not a need. And vice versa.
Definitely best to be careful. It’s easy to get into traps, especially when it comes to consumerism – anything from “I *need* caffeine” to “I *need* a new phone”…