So I’m back in the UK after an awesome week in Austin, Texas, at South by South West interactive (SXSWi). And I’ve finally come out of a time of intense busyness. Today is the first Saturday in … maybe a year? … that I woke up after 9am.
During this quieter week and a bit, I’ve been thinking about happiness. One of the first talks I went to at SXSWi was a talk/book reading from Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. And that, along with being around some wonderfully happy people like Pace and Kyeli, has pushed me to start giving happiness a bit more thought. What makes me happy? What makes you happy?
What Does “Happy” Mean, Anyway?
I come from a literature background, and so I like to be clear about what words mean. “Happy” doesn’t mean the same as, say, “contented”. I suspect that our experience of happiness differs because of our definition of happiness.
Is happiness an absence of bad stuff – or a presence of good stuff? Is happiness a mood? Is it an emotional state? Is it something that happens to us, or something which we do?
I’m asking questions because I don’t have clear answers yet – and because even if I did have answers for me, I’m not sure they’d be the answers for you.
The closest I can get to explaining happiness at the moment is to say that it’s what makes me come alive.
I’m happy when I get to write, when I get to hang out with awesome people, when I’m immersed in my own imaginary worlds or imaginary worlds created by other people. Happiness means doing something worthwhile (to me). By that, I don’t mean what the world might call “worthwhile” – but simply finishing the day and thinking I did some great stuff today – whether that’s working on a cool project or partying or seeing an awesome movie or learning something new.
What does “happy” mean to you? Or, to put it in a more concrete way … What kind of day makes you happy?
Stuck? Start With What Makes You Unhappy
I’m not always good at figuring out what makes me happy. Sometimes, I just want life to run smoothly. Other times, I want the people around me to be happy. But even when I’m stuck on “happy”, I’ve usually got a pretty good idea of what makes me unhappy.
Here’s an example. I don’t like clutter and mess. If you’ve ever played Sims, you’ll know how messy rooms make your little Sim people cranky. It’s kinda like that with me. If I walk into the kitchen and it’s piled with empty dishes, I can feel my mood bar taking a dive from green into red.
(Complete digression – if you’re a Sims 3 player – or if your kids play it – then read Kyeli’s awesome post Everything I need to know I learned from tiny pretend people.)
I’m far from being a neurotically tidy person. I like my space to feel lived in, not pristine. But I feel happier, lighter and mentally clear when my desk is reasonably tidy, and I can relax and rest best when my bedroom isn’t strewn with clothes. I feel on top of things when my physical space is neat and when I don’t spend ages hunting for that one vital bit of paper.
In her talk at SXSW, Gretchen said that clearing clutter often has a disproportional effect in raising people’s moods. We tend not to think it’s a big deal – so we don’t get round to tidying up – but spending just 10 minutes doing a quick pick-up can really make a big difference.
What makes you unhappy or cranky or frustrated? What’s the opposite?
Celebrate Your Quirks
I don’t believe that you can be truly happy when you’re focused on conforming. I think we lose our intuitive understanding of what “happy” means for us because of all the people who keep telling us what should make us happy.
Whether from friends, parents, colleagues or society in general, we get a lot of messages about happiness. These don’t generally come explicitly – but they’re shown in all sorts of cultural assumptions. How many of these look familiar?
- More money makes you happier
- Eating “naughty” foods makes you happier
- Buying the latest gadgets makes you happier
- Having a “good” job makes you happier
- Being romantically involved makes you happier
- Going to university makes you happier
…and so on, and so on.
I’m not saying that those things can’t make you happy. In any collective wisdom – even distorted by greed and advertisers – there’s some level of truth. But there are plenty of things which make you happy and which Joe Bloggs down the street couldn’t care less about.
This is obvious, of course. Maybe you’re bored by football – but one of your workmates would love tickets to a big game. Perhaps you hate drum’n'base music – but your neighbours love it. (I kinda wish ours didn’t…) There are all sorts of things which interest you that society in general probably doesn’t care about.
There are loads of things I love. Some of them are, frankly, pretty weird by society’s standards. I love writing fiction – and most people don’t even read novels regularly, let alone want to write them. Some of the things which make me happy are probably a surprise even if you know me well. It still surprises Paul (my fiancé!) that I like Metallica
There are plenty of things which I don’t particularly like, despite society’s say-so. I dislike most popular music. I can never work up much level of caring about the Olympics. I don’t buy shoes until my current pair is falling apart. I rarely wear make-up. I find all beers disgusting.
And, you know what? It’s okay to accept what makes me happy – and what doesn’t. Life isn’t high school. There are plenty of folks who are happy for me to be happy however I choose. As the wonderful Charlie explains, being a weirdo is okay:
There are people out there who are just as weird as you who will value you and your gifts because they’re uniquely yours, not despite them being yours. You don’t have to hide yourself to be loved and accepted – let go of the thought that being authentically happy and being seen, loved, and valued are mutually exclusive.
(Charlie Gilkey, Do You Have the Weirdo Syndrome? on Productive Flourishing)
(Note: you can find a huge bunch of these people at South by South West and similar geek fests…)
Celebrate the little things which really resonate with you. And stop trying to justify it. You don’t need to explain your interests: you can just enjoy them! If you love playing computer games, don’t let anyone guilt-trip you about it. If you enjoy writing, don’t let people intrude on your time or sap your creative energy.
What quirky things make you happy? Why aren’t you embracing them more?
But … Don’t Automaticaly Ditch “Popular” Stuff
As a teenager, I had a big chip on my shoulder about stuff which was “popular”. I generally thought it was going to be stupid, shallow and pointless. I decided I didn’t like Leonardo diCaprio just because all the other 13-year old girls were going mad about him. Yeah, much of the time, popular stuff isn’t gonna make you happy. Yet, it’s all too easy to start defining yourself as a rebel or outsider and actually miss out on some good stuff.
I’ve been resisting the idea of getting an iPhone because, hey, everyone has them. I’m too cool to get in on a trend, unless I’m there at the start. I’m not sure I’d be on Facebook and Twitter unless I’d been a fairly early adopter of both.
And if I was picking from some abstract list of obsessions, I wouldn’t have Sims 3 as my favourite computer game and Metallica as my favourite band. Because, you know, they’re just way too popular.
Except, there’s nothing automatically wrong with something being popular. Of course you want to avoid trying to force yourself to be happy through doing the stuff that society says you “should” do … but you don’t want to go denying yourself happiness because you’ve got a non-conformist streak.
If you love tiny, independent bands, awesome. If you’re into indie games and unknown authors, fantastic. But forcing yourself to hunt for happiness outside the mainstream is just as much a mistake as forcing yourself to always go with the popular vote.
So. What makes you happy? What do you love doing, reading, singing, celebrating? I’d love to hear about your quirks (or conformities!) here in the comments…
I'm Ali Luke, a writer and blogger living in Oxford in the UK. I blog here about writing and the writing life. 
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Amazing post Ali… We generally get stuck about what makes us happy and what unhappy.. Many a times it just depends on mood also.. If you r in good mood everything makes you happy and vice versa..
Good point – yes, sometimes I brush off the little annoyances of life and sometimes everything gets me down … though general mood is probably related to general happiness.
Ooh I missed Gretchen’s talk, but I’m so glad you wrote about it. Clutter is one thing I’ve been “aware” of causing less happiness, but it’s not exactly something I consciously think about.
You’re are SO smart to bring up the conformist / non-conformist thing. I had a similar “anti-anything-cool” vein in high school. I probably wouldn’t have a Mac now if I hadn’t been one of the earlier folks to start using them again in the 1990s. But again, I think I was reacting to cool vs. uncool at the time. I had the same reaction with getting an iPhone as you did. But maybe it’s better not to pre-judge things like you mention.
What makes me happy… I feel happy when I’m taking care of myself. When I’m with people I love. When I am stimulated with ideas and stories.
.-= Nathalie Lussier´s last blog ..11 Snacks to Silence Your Stomach =-.
I’m probably going to get Gretchen’s book, so will let you know what it’s like!
I’m glad I’m not the only anti-cool person! I think at times it’s a legit response (though for me, I guess it was a way of feeling superior to the people who picked on me at school…) but it’s easy to miss out on some actually pretty good stuff.
I agree with you on stimulation, definitely. I need a few imaginary lives in order to enjoy this real one.
That thing about popularity… That’s so me. I refused to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show because my friends were so all-out nerdy about it. Yet a couple of years ago when I was in Kansas, it was on for Halloween. Watched it, laughed and moved on. Same thing with the Thesis theme for WordPress. If everybody’s talking about it, it must be sketchy. But my designer chick just implemented it for me on a new site and I love it! I need to get over this anti-herd mentality!
Wendy
.-= Wendy Sullivan´s last blog ..Your work place is trying to kill you =-.
The first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a college friend … audience of fellow students, all yelling at the screen. Wouldn’t've missed that for the world!
I love Thesis too. I’ve just enabled these threaded comments and it’s integrated perfectly – that’s pretty much what I want for a theme, for it to just do what I want without me going and poking around under the hood.
Well, Ali, welcome back to home base in U.K. Sounds like you had a groovy time in Austin, Texas. Chances are you only know quite a few people on-line.
However, it is a different experience when you finally get a chance to meet bloggers (and others) face-to-face, isn’t it? In the short time you had there, hope you had the chance to meet and interact with these great group of people. Did you meet Charlie?
Yeah: when you wrote this post, it sounded remarkably like the story of my life too. You and I are not exactly the same in terms of our tastes, preferences and sensibilities, but it is shocking just how much we have in common.( I suspect “creative types” tend to get stereotyped as well.)
I am just as quirky and eccentric as anybody else out there. For one thing, I can’t stand any noise–and have to lock myself inside my bedroom–if I am ever gonna get any work done.
How many times have I told people to bugger off when I am working? I need solitude.
For another, clutter of any sort upsets me. I cannot stand to be around chaos. Somehow, I have to create order out of chaos. I dislike random things lying all over the place. I need to maintain folders and an entire filing system. I dislike dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, and books belong on the shelf. Laundry has to be in the laundry basket and not lying all over the floor.
If anybody wants to meet me, take an appointment because chances are I may be busy and I don’t like it if people take my time for granted (this has happened too many times because of my sociable nature; people take advantage, sometimes, if you are too casual about time).
Plus, I get cranky if I spend too much time on-line. I meet the stereotype of the ‘artsy fartsy” guy, who is a creature of the outdoors, lover of aesthetics, and not too fond of technology (late adopter). And late bloomer too, I may add. However, I love exercise, and if I don’t get a good work-out in the outdoors that spoils my mood and makes me feel low on energy.
Being chained to the desk for long hours also makes me feel odd. I prefer playing sports and engaging with manual/physical labor is great. I don’t approve of the sedentary lifestyle at all.
I did have a wonderful time, thanks! And yes, I met Charlie; he’s just as wonderful in person as he is in the online realm. His wife Angela is lovely too!
Interesting point about physical activity — yes, I agree that I get a weird “stir crazy” feeling if I sit still for too long. I’ve actually adjusted a bit in recent months due to horrid weather, but I’m generally happiest when I get an hour’s walking/cycling in each day.
Same with me on olympics. Oh the shoes! I’m exactly the same way. I had my last pair for 6-7 years until someone secretly threw them away and forced me to buy new ones. Damnit!
Beer? Don’t like any kind of alcohol, even though I’m a male. I think it’s an acquired test, which means when you force yourself to drink it enough, it starts to taste good. I don’t like doing that to myself
Oh and Nathalie, I’m so looking forward to owning a Mac, but I’m not going to buy one yet. But soon!
In the end, rules are rules. If you try to be non-conformist, you’re just like a conformist but with different rules. Just be yourself. Easier said than done though I guess.
.-= Henri Junttila´s last blog ..Release the End Result =-.
I can’t stand beer. I like wine, and can’t remember a time when I didn’t.
(I think I had an occasional glass at family events from the age of 13 or so.)
On the other hand, I’ve grown to love coffee and red wine (only used to drink white) since meeting my lovely fiancé, so I think tastes can change and develop!
I will endeavour to be a non-conformist non-conformist.
Ali,
This is an addendum, of course, one of my quirks is that I am rather forgetful. Sorry.
You mentioned happiness, but what about bliss? There is a difference between happiness and bliss, philosophically speaking. However, this is just my point of view; feel free to disagree.
(I felt like mentioning this because your post mentions a lot of stuff about happiness and so on).
Happiness depends on externals, such as standard of living issues: driving a BMW sports car, owning a Hollywood bungalow, a trophy wife on your arm, fancy degrees and money in the bank.
This is how society conditions us: you are happy provided you are one-up on others.
It is almost as if you have to defeat others to be happy–and you have to prove something to other people to be happy. And this game goes on and on until the day you pass on. How strange is this attitude when we have always been told that “comparisons are odious?”
By contrast, bliss is an inner journey. Bliss is also about quality of life issues. Bliss depends only on your state of awareness or consciousness. That’s why some of the poorest people I encounter regularly wear a smile on the face: they are probably experiencing bliss, which is independent of owning so much stuff. You don’t have to own much to experience bliss.
For example, I experience bliss every time I look up at the sky and the sun shines on me. Or, during my morning stroll, I inhale and feel the fresh oxygen circulating inside my lungs. Note: this experience is free of cost. Bliss is experienced when you live with conscious awareness.
This is not to suggest that happiness is “bad” or bliss is “good.” Sometimes, there can be an overlapping as well. It depends, finally. You need to look at it in terms of context, perspective.
Let me put it this way: I experience bliss every time I get rid of all the useless clutter I have managed to hoard through the years. This is what I am trying to focus on right now. Get rid of the junk and try to live in a simple and functional way. For me, it is a saner way to live. Relief!
And that has brought me peace of mind, finally. I have tended to hoard things all my life until I realized that my life=unmanageable. That realization finally dawned rather later in life.
“Bliss it was/In that dawn/To be alive/But to be young/Was very heaven,” wrote a poet once.
Cheers!
Hmm, good distinction. I’m not sure how exactly I’d define “bliss” as opposed to “happiness” — I’d be tempted to say that “bliss” is more of a transient emotional experience, and for some reason it has a connotation of being drugged-up or something, for me.
This post definitely wasn’t an attempt to offer everything there is to say about happiness, rather, it’s the start of what I’m thinking about. I’ll ponder on bliss a bit more for the next one…
Hi Ali, it’s not your typical post but I loved it!
Once I got to the part about DiCaprio I realized that I knew exactly what you were talking about (I stroke him out from the list of good actors for the same reason.) I must admit that I haven’t watched Titanic until last year for the same reason (a pretty stupid reason, as I see it now)
Happiness is really difficult to define and I also prefer to use unhappiness as a measuring tool for my levels of happiness. Looking at the opposites lets me see my life more clearly and realize easier what I want in life and what makes me happy.
.-= Anastasiya´s last blog ..How to Find Your Pace in Life and Reach Your Goals =-.
Thanks, Anastasiya! (Maybe my posting style has been irrevocably changed by SXSW
)
I was exactly the same with Titanic, I refused to go and see it. For some reason, I’m perfectly capable of loving Johnny Depp along with the rest of the world…
I agree that opposites can often help clarify — especially as “happiness” can sometimes involve an absence of bad stuff…
I like that you realize something important about happiness. It isn’t something to strive for. Happy is not something in the far future that you will have for a prolonged period of time. You wont retire and suddenly become “happy” for the rest of your life.
Happy is something that happens unexpectedly and for short periods of time. Happy is a burst of power, kind of like a warp drive on a space ship.
Happy is short lived but you get an awful lot of it.
Yes, exactly! A lot of people seem to defer happiness — working 60 hour weeks in jobs they dislike in the hopes of retiring at 40, etc, and then finally being “happy”. I think we can actually diminish our ability to be happy by doing that.
I’m not sure that happiness has to be short-lived, though; I’ve had times in my life when I’ve just been generally happy (my student years are the main example there!) It actually surprised me a bit when I found myself being more *unhappy* than happy once I started full-time work, because I’d always thought of myself as a generally “happy” person.
Ali,
Thanks for the great post. I’m not exactly sure why, but it is so easy… too easy, to loose track of WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES US HAPPY.
We should be fully aware of what makes us happy and we SHOULD build our lives around it.
Happiness SHOULD be a core motivator in life, I’m not talking about instant gratification, I’m talking about happiness as a whole.
There I go shoulding all over myself…
Another thing I’ve learned is, less time needs to be spent on “shoulding” and more time needs to be spent on doing.
Thanks for the reminder.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Loving Food: Cheese Sauce =-.
Yup, I don’t think I’ve ever known a “should” to bring happiness.
I’ve managed to build my life around writing, which is one of the things which brings me a deep happiness (I enjoy the process and the feeling of accomplishment) … but there are still quite a few more things I could be doing to be happier. I’ll share some progress and some further thoughts here on the blog as the weeks go by…
Here is some truth I’ve discovered about happiness. Happiness has nothing to do with anything outside of you. It sure feels like it sometimes, but it really doesn’t. Most people think that happiness will come when things are different than they are now, it won’t. We think we crave happiness, like we crave love, but when we wake up (not from sleep) we realize that we don’t. You can’t crave what you already have or are.
Our pursuit of happiness is what leads to sorrow because we think happiness is something out there that we have to find. Even searching for happiness inside of ourselves is messed up because it’s still maintaining the illusion that we don’t have it already. The more we pursue happiness, the more we run away from the happiness that is already in us, the more unhappy we are. What’s even worse, if we actually could obtain happiness, we could and would lose it again because that would mean it was some ephemeral other thing out there.
True happiness doesn’t have a cause, there’s no reason for it. It’s not the result of getting something, it’s just there. Happiness is an inherent property that we all have. What happens is that things get in the way or block our happiness. It’s like hearing. We don’t go looking for hearing. If we can’t hear, we remove what’s blocking our hearing.
So what’s blocking your happiness? I’ll give you a hint, don’t start looking for something out there that might be blocking your happiness, like a clean desk or a better relationship.
.-= Chris O’Byrne´s last blog ..The First Step to Being Mindful Online =-.
Chris, interesting thoughts here. I’m partially with you and partially not.
I agree that happiness is very much a state of mind … but I do believe that external factors can have a strong influence, perhaps because our external reality tends to say something about our internal world. (I don’t mean that in a mystical way, just a practical one: e.g. if my flat is horribly cluttered and messy, that suggests I’m miserable about something!)
I don’t think that happiness is something we should chase after, but I do think we can be conscious of what makes us happy.
I’m happy when I write, especially stories/articles that I believe can have a positive impact on other people. Writing always makes me happy, but its even better when I think I can help people with what I have to say. I also love to read a good book. This can be fiction or non fiction. This is going to sound silly, but hugging makes me happy. So many things…
Hugging isn’t at all silly – I think the physical/emotional connection is really important. We did a lot of hugging at SXSW and it definitely put me in a good mood
Like you, I love to read and write – I enjoy communicating through written words (it feels like a natural and easy way for me to put my thoughts down) and I love to read as well.
This is a great post! I really enjoyed reading everything you had to say and it is all so true. I think to truly be happy and feel fulfilled you need to love and be happy with yourself and that definitely means doing things for yourself. I was feeling a little down and had been for some time and I realized that it was because I was not doing anything for myself or doing anything that I was passionate about. One thing I needed was some motivation so I finally decided to look for some advice and came across a website called http:/Unleashyourself.com with Sherri Nickols. At first I read her blog and signed up for her Friday calls called Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. They were great motivation for as her topics were fun and the conversation alive and full of ideas. I have enjoyed it so much I am signing up for her teleseminar in May called How to Find & Own Your Playful Sexy Self! Just wanted to share something I have done for myself that makes me happy and it has really helped me get back in touch with what I want for myself. I have started to run again, get back in touch with friends and overall just taking better of myself because I deserve it!
Thanks, Jen! I agree that getting back in touch with yourself is crucial: you need to do things which you feel passionate and excited about, and you also need time simply to take care of yourself. Glad it’s helping you to be happier, and thanks for the recommendation for Unleash Yourself.
Good stuff, Ali!
I think you hit the nail on the head (for me) with immersion – if I’m completely involved in a book or a game or a problem, I come out of the experience beaming and relaxed, which is where I want to be.
As for ‘popular stuff’, all of the people can’t be all wrong all of the time – occasionally something good gets popular by accident. But that’s when you can say “I liked Leonard Cohen when you thought he was this deadly-boring Canadian who dresses like he’s French.” That’s a good feeling, too
)
Cheers! Immersion is definitely a good one. The only worry I have with that one is it’s easy for me to get immeresed in things which make me happy in the short-term but not necessarily the long-term. (I spent hours every day playing a particular online game aged about 16-20… I’d definitely say it made me happy, but in retrospect, I’d rather I’d spent the time writing!)
I wonder if we’re losing the ability to become immersed in the online world? It’s hard to get “into” a blog in the same way as a book – with constant distractions like Twitter and email.
Clearing clutter makes my wife happy, when my wife is happy, I am happy. What really makes me happy is helping animals, I’m a vegetarian and I really love animals. That’s what really makes me happy. But helping people also makes me happy, and being around awesome people makes me happy. On the other hand, being alone makes me happy too. When I write, or when I watch a movie, or when I read, I’m happy. I’m happy when I’m in charge of my own time and when I get to do what I like to do.
So, I’m happy when I’m not working and when I’m not being told what to do. Even though it makes me happy being told to clear clutter, because I understand that eventually, it will make my wife happy
.-= Jens P. Berget´s last blog ..The Best Magazine in the World =-.
I think there’s definitely something to be said for helping others to be happy — though I know that I can end up trying to make everyone *else* happy at the price of my own happiness!
I’m a believer in “setpoints” — that people have a weight setpoint, a wealth set point, a happiness setpoint. This doesn’t have to mean being permanently stuck at a particular place, but that some things come more easily and some just take more work to get there.
One of my cousins has what seems to be an unnaturally high happiness setpoint. She’s cheerful ALL THE TIME, at least her public persona is. Mine is lower, I have to battle moods every day. It’s just a wiring thing, and when it gets me down I try to remind myself of all the things that DO come easily.
There’s business platitude (Drucker?) that goes something like: try to pick something (to do for money) that comes relatively easy to you and can be relatively difficult for others.
Maybe if you find this thing, it will do a lot toward making you happy, more of the time anyway.
.-= Barbara D´s last blog ..Happy New Year 2010 =-.
Ah, great point, Barbara. Yes, I know I’ve had times when I’ve felt like my happiness has been set at some particular point — and when I’ll be generally happy (or not) regardless of the specific day to day circumstances.
And I’m sure we’ve all met people who are constantly cheerful and fun to be around, even when they’re going through tough times … as well as people who seem to be in a bad mood all the time. Perhaps there should be more focus on raising our set point?
I think life is about finding out what makes you happy. When you find something that makes you happy..awesome. When you find something that doesn’t make you happy…learn from it and move on. It’s such a fun journey if you let it be and don’t take things too seriously. Great post! Thanks.
Thanks, Mary! I agree that life is a journey — and an exciting, fun one with lots of options!
I agree, this is an excellent article and you make some great points. I just started a project based on the same concept, because we spend so much time worrying about the past or stressing about the future that we forget to enjoy today. I am so guilty of doing this, so thanks for the reminder.
Thanks Trish … hope the project goes well. I suspect we’re all guilty of this (in fact, I partially wrote this post to remind me about what makes ME happy!)
Love where you said, “Celebrate the little things which really resonate with you. And stop trying to justify it.”……as always, your posts make me think Ali. Glad you were able to catch a breather recently as well!
.-= Marcus Sheridan´s last blog ..What is the New ‘Information Gift Economy’ and How Can Your Business Embrace It? =-.
Ah, cheers, Marcus.
Glad I could make you think! 
Man I feel like I’m writing an college entrance exam with all the prompts in the post!
After thinking a while, I think happiness is more than the presence of good stuff rather than the absence of bad stuff. I think I could be happy if I’m with the people I love even in the midst of trials. My ideal happy day would be hanging with the fam in the morning, working from home developing business and writing, meeting a client or 2 and making some killer progress, hanging with the fam until the kids fall asleep, then back to writing! Oh and not feeling fatigue (so I guess it *is* a little absence of bad stuff… but I could word it as getting sufficient sleep and having sufficient energy, so there!).
I never said that reading this blog wasn’t hard work.
I think I agree with you that happiness is more about presence than absense – it definitely seems a more positive way to look about it. That looks like a pretty good day to me.
Hi Ali.
One thing that comes to mind is that connecting with certain individuals makes me happy. There are some who have a similar type of thinking in some regard, or who are at a similar stage as me, and so I get quite a bit of joy from hearing their viewpoints and pointing out my thoughts in response. There is nothing like the connected feeling of talking with someone who is having the same frenzy of thoughts, or who is about to approach the same situation, or who has just taken the same kind of risk.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..Balancing The Art Of Attachment To Materialism =-.
Armen, great point. I’d never thought it through so clearly as that, but I see a similar effect when I meet up with people who I connect with on something that matters to us both/all (I tend to describe them as being “on the same wavelength” as me). Sometimes they’re peers (ie. at the same stage as me), sometimes mentors (further down the line than me).
Small things make me happy.
I love books by Stuart Macbride, Charlene Harris and Kim Harrison. I love finding out that one of my favourite authors is due to release a book. There is a delicious sense of anticipation not just about the book itself but the hours I’ll spend curled up reading it just for me
The fact I ditched my law degree fills me with a delicious sense of glee and makes me smile (even now months after the actual event). It was entirely the wrong course for me and was making me unhappy. I found that I couldn’t care less about cases and detested spending my time reading them. The idea of qualifying and spending hours in a “good job” in a magic circle firm wasn’t for me either.
Sure I’d be earning lots of money but what about the cost to my soul?
I’m far happier with things as they are. Now I just need to figure out my job. It is an okay job, very relaxed, I’ve been promoted, have plenty of training opportunities…..but it’s not my passion and it does bore me. I find myself thinking “there’s got to be more to life than this”!
I *love* books, especially by fave authors. And I know exactly what you mean, they’re a real “me time” thing.
Congrats on ditching the law degree! Sounds like you escaped a life which really wouldn’t've made you happy at all. (I thought about doing law, and accounting, and computer science. I went for English literature in the end, and have no regrets.
)
Hope you can find the right job for you — being bored long-term isn’t good. I found I needed to just try various things out before I figured out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Good luck figuring out your path!
I found one of the keys to my happiness is simply connecting to my values
- adventure
- excellence
… etc.
For example, when I lead my team on a project, I turn it into an “epic adventure.” When I take a cross-country road trip, again, it’s an “epic adventure.” When I’m working on a painful task, I turn it into a “waxing the car” or “painting the fence” exercise to work on mastery.
I’ve also learned to not put happiness out of reach … “I’ll be happy *if* …” … and I’ve learned to selectively raise my frustration tolerance so that silly things along the way don’t get in the way of my happiness.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Microsoft Competencies for Skilled Effectiveness =-.
Great points, J.D. I love the “adventure” idea. (That was how I framed my trip to SXSW … though there was a point when I was stuck in Houston, due to a delayed flight and missed connection, where I was thinking “This was supposed to be an *adventure*, dammit!”… I felt a bit cheated
)
Happiness is the goal!
For me (and I really mean this) what makes me happy is when my family is “good.” When my wife is satisfied with what she is doing and my children are doing the things they love, let my soul is at peace and happy.
Alex
Thanks Alex! I guess my worry is that I’ll tend to tell myself that I’ll be happy when other people are … but quite often, they’re not happy despite my efforts (or I just lack the patience and energy to really do much). I guess that while “family” are pretty high on my list of values, they’re not right up at the very top.
(Sorry, family! I love you all!)
Have you seen this brilliant TED talk? It’s about the difference between experiential happiness and remembered happiness. They’re VERY different things (and it explains why happiness confuses so many people, because they lump the two together):
http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html
Enjoy!
.-= Vlad Dolezal´s last blog ..My Personal Development Experiments – March Update =-.
Great Post Ali, hmmm….. what makes me happy ? ..I too feel like I am about to write an exam paper . I generally remind myself to appreciate life, that in itself breeds happiness ….getting on with life as normal whatever that means is another factor. In addition, being and feeling at peace with self , worry free and being able to capture lovely moments and experiences to appreciate them …. Basically happiness for me is a combination of different things, life is a journey and every moment would vary depending on other external factors …. and a clutter free environment has been proven very helpful….
.-= Fatibony@ Self help Motivation´s last blog ..The Charismatic You ? =-.
Great post. I especially agree with the part about enjoying what you like even if it’s not popular with the masses. I’ve often had people tell me that my taste in music or movies leaves something to be desired and isn’t cool, but I don’t care. If it makes me happy then I go ahead and enjoy it.
.-= scarlett´s last blog ..Setting A Goal =-.
Really nice articles from you for our life. Before i found your site, i was searching the net to get something like this but got yours late.
And Also thanks to granted me permission to put your articles in my blog.
.-= B.THASLEEM´s last blog ..மீலாது விழா கொண்டாடலாமா? =-.
People make me happy, but they also can be a great source of stress…Never know what I might experience with who, stress or happiness. Risks is part of pursuing happiness.