I had one of those lightbulb moments last Friday, while listening to the SpeakEasy recording on Personal Networking. Naomi was talking about SXSW interactive, an annual internet/blogging conference, that all the big bloggers go to. When I started blogging here on Aliventures, I told myself:
“I’ll know I’ve ‘made it’ as a blogger when I get to go to SXSW and hang out with all the big bloggers…”
Listening to Naomi made me think “I really want that!” I want to hang out with some of the awesome bloggers that I’m getting to know. I want to meet new people. I want to be surrounded by folks with the same sort of goals and outlook on life as me. I want to learn from the experts on the panels.
But, of course, I can’t go to SXSW. I’m not an A-list blogger. Whilst I love writing for Aliventures, I can’t pretend to be a big blog. I don’t make a living from my blog (I make a living writing for other people’s blogs).
I haven’t made it yet, so I can’t go to SXSW. That’s what I kept telling myself.
But while I was listening to Naomi, a sly little thought crept in. It said, Why not?
And then I thought what’s stopping me from booking a place? The registration form doesn’t say “Sorry, you can’t come unless you’re Darren Rowse.” And whilst the conference fee (not to mention flights from the UK and accommodation) would be a significant chunk of money for me … it’s definitely not impossible.
You can begin right now to act as if you have already achieved any goal you desire … How would you act if you already were a straight-A student, top salesperson, highly paid consultant, rich entrepreneur, world-class athlete, best-selling author, internationally acclaimed artist, sought-after speaker, or celebrated actor and musician?
(Jack Canfield, The Success Principles – Amazon.com / Amazon.co.uk, p145-6 – UK edition)
I’d be willing to bet that you’ve got a few goals where you’re waiting to “make it” before you’ll allow yourself to do something you want to do – regardless of the fact that you could go ahead and do it right now. Some typical examples are:
- Waiting until you’ve reached your goal weight to buy new clothes. (I’ve been waiting for the last four years for 7lbs to miraculously vanish so I can finally buy a dress from Monsoon like I promised myself I would…)
- Waiting until you get a novel published to call yourself “a writer”.
- Waiting until you’re earning more before you give to that charity you’d love to support.
- Waiting until you’ve finished Project X before you book a holiday.
- Waiting until you’ve got your small business launched to attend industry conferences.
- Waiting until you’ve lost weight to join the gym.
In so many cases … we’re waiting for no good reason. There is absolutely nothing stopping me from going into Monsoon and buying a beautiful dress that fits me. No-one is going to stop me at the door and say, “Sorry, you need to be seven pounds lighter to shop here.” If I call myself “a writer”, no-one’s going to turn round and say that I’m not.
There are plenty of bad reasons for waiting, though. And it can be hard to admit to these.
We’re Waiting for Perfection
In many cases, we feel that we can’t go for our real goal until all other conditions are perfect. Perhaps we tell ourselves we’ll write that first novel once we’ve quit the day job … once the kids have left home … once we’ve finished decorating the house …
The truth is, things probably aren’t ever going to meet up to our “perfect” standards: so we might as well make a start, even if it has to be a small one:
For the last 2 years I’ve had my number one goal on hold and that no longer acceptable to me. I know I’m not financially in a position to offer 75% pro bono coaching yet, but surely 10% or 20% is better than nothing? At least that’s moving in the right direction and conditioning myself to be doing what I want to do.
(Tim Brownson, Are Your Goals On Hold? The Discomfort Zone)
Are you waiting for the perfect idea? The perfect amount of money? The perfect relationship? The perfect work/life balance? What would happen if you went for your goal right now … without things being perfect? How can you make that first move in the right direction?
We’re Scared of Change
One of the reasons that going to SXSW was on hold for when I “made it” was because it’s well outside my comfort zone. I’ve never been to a big industry event before. I’ve never been to the States. I’ve never flown on my own.
It’s not just a daunting step because I’ll have to figure out things like how to get there and where to stay. It’s also scary because it challenges my perception of myself. I don’t think of myself as a “Pro Blogger” – even though I make my living online. I don’t think of myself as one of the “big bloggers” – even though I’ve had guest posts on a number of very large blogs. I’m always surprised (and really flattered) when other people tell me that I seem “big” to them!
Are you secretly waiting until you “make it” because you’re scared – of taking a step outside your comfort zone? What would happen if you did just go for it right now? Would you become closer to the person you want to be?
We’re Waiting to Become Someone Else
Often, the “when I’ve made it…” idea arises because we expect to be a different person in the future. Perhaps we want to be more confident, we want to have more money, or we want to be more self-disciplined. Maybe we’d like to be well-known within our field.
To start becoming that person, though, we need to start acting like they would:
One thing that helped me a lot was to imagine the kind of man I wanted to become. I’d sit down and visualize what he was like, and I’d have imaginary conversations with him. “What would you do?” I’d ask. Then I’d listen for his answer. At first I felt that he was mostly amused by me. I was like a joke to him… so weak, pathetic, and driven by impulse. Compared to him I had no self-control at all. My life was all about temporary thrills. If I wasn’t taking stupid risks at least every few days, I felt empty inside.
(Steve Pavlina email newsletter #14)
I’ve found this advice extremely useful when I’m struggling with how to act or behave in a particular situation. I ask myself “how would the person I want to become do this?”
What Are You Waiting For?
Think about one of your “I’ll do it when…” goals. It could be something as small as celebrating a success by opening that nice bottle of wine you’ve been saving, or treating yourself to a meal out. It could be something as big as quitting your job or going back to college.
What are you waiting for? What’s really stopping you from going for it right now?
I'm Ali Luke, a writer and 
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I hear you on this one. I think being scared of the change is a big one. It’s so easy to stick with whatever you’re used to, even if that isn’t good for you in anyway, let alone if the current state is tolerable. The fear of the change, or the fear of the unknown to be more precise, is so huge that we come up with any reason or excuse to avoid doing the thing we think would leave to change and force us to enter unknown.
This post really send me thinking. When I think about it, I do this all the time. The whole I’ll do it when… thing. I’m learning to fight it by taking action and forcing myself to just going for it. But the key there is “forcing”, so I’m still a long way from it becoming the second nature. And that’s the thing, nothing but myself is holding me back which in a sense is good news, cos I’m holding all the cards to make it happen
I know I’ve been putting off finding a new job despite how much I dislike it because I’m scared. I am afraid of new responsibilities that require skills that I may or may not have. I know that I can acquire the skills I need in the right work environment but the step is a big one. Also, I’m worried about being able to live on the next job’s salary. Maybe it won’t be as much as I currently make. I have accepted that I want to move on even if it means taking a lower salary but it’s still a back burner worry.
I’ve set myself a deadline to achieve finding a new job, though and I think it’s fairly realistic. I decided I needed it from basically the same underlying points that you’ve made in this blog. It’s great to read it and have it reinforced in my head. It’s really tough to stay focused on this but I can, and will do it.
Great post!
Great post. I feel like I’ve been circling around these thoughts for weeks now without actually confronting them. I’ve got a list of “one day…” things I want to do but thousands of excuses and a knack for procrastination keeping me from either doing them or taking the first steps.
I have found that one of the best questions to ask is “What’s the worst that can happen?” or “What’s the most I’ll lose?” if *it* actually happens. You either find that going for it won’t be as scary as you expect, or you get a better idea of what it’ll take.
Hello Ali. Nice post and thanks for writing this.
I think we’re all push back the things we really want to do in life because, like you said, we want to be in a perfect state. I think there is a point when one is ready, then there is a point where someone is always trying to get ready where he or she never does what they want to do.
Just like how you feel like your blog isn’t A list so you can’t go to this blogging conference (even though I think this blog rocks), you don’t have to be the best if you just want to go learn from the best. We don’t have to let our fears hold us back or wait for the perfect time to do something that we want to do.
Antti, glad I got you thinking! I do it all the time too. Yes, it is good news to realise we’re the ones holding all the cards — it can be a little daunting at first, but it’s great to know that we really do have the power to control our own lives.
Bill, well done on setting a deadline. Change is always scary — and however much you like your current job, there’ll be things that are more comfortable about staying put. One thought, can you start cutting your expenditure a little *now* … so that you know you can survive on a slightly lower salary if necessary? This is something I did when in my day job, and I realised that a lot of the stuff I was spending money on wasn’t really bringing me anything more from life. It certainly wasn’t making up for the 9-5 drudgery!
Allison, I love the “what’s the worst that can happen?” question — because the answer is ALWAYS much better than my vague fears!
Tristan, thanks!
And glad you’re enjoying the blog! Yes, you’re right — we shouldn’t wait for the perfect time. And I bet there are loads of bloggers in my “A-list” who wouldn’t think of themselves that way, too.
I think it’s kinda funny that you regularly write for advice blogs but seem to need some yourself in this case. Speaking as someone who’s been to SXSW the past two years consecutively, just do it! It’s an amazing experience and don’t be nervous because you’ve never been to the US. Texas is the best it gets and I’m not just saying that because I’m a Texan. I recently moved from there to our nation’s capital and I miss the friendly and easy going people of Texas- it’s so easy to strike up conversations. Austin is a beautiful city and tons of international people flood the area for South-by. You’ll have a blast and you won’t be disappointed. Besides, what better way to meet those that you admire than by throwing yourself out there and introducing yourself as a visitor? It makes you instantly more appealing, even mysterious.
I’de have to say that I definately wait for perfection and because I believe I should have to call myself a writter. I’ve never had any formal training but when I’m in focus I always seem to find the gold where others might not. There isn’t anything I feel comfortable saying that I cannot do. I love the discomfort of the unknown, seeing that it always seems to bring that eureka moment. I have so many passions and I find it hard to settle for one. How is it possible to call oneself a writer when the experiences you write about make you who you are. I guess I’m really waiting because I don’t want to make a decisive move when all paths seem so similar. Do you have any ideas for someone that feels like they might just need that little push?
Morgan, I guess taking my own advice is hard sometimes!
Yep, I have indeed booked my place now (before I even saw your comment!) Great to hear from a Texan, and I’m very much looking forward to being a visitor in Austin.
On a slightly broader note, I try to be very honest here on Aliventures about my own struggles with things like nerves, uncertainty, fear of success, and getting outside my comfort zone. One thing that bugs me a bit about some personal development advice is that people make it sound too easy — whereas everyone struggles at times!
Chris, I can see how that’s difficult if you have a lot of different passions. I’ve definitely got numerous interests, but writing is the one that’s stuck the longest — and I can’t really remember a time when I *didn’t* write, and think of myself as a writer. If all the paths look similar, why not just pick one and go for it? Nothing’s stopping you switching paths (or even doubling back) later on. Flip a coin if you have to! (And then feel free to ignore the toss if it helps you realise what you REALLY wanted all along. I often do that…)
I once took a writing course where the teacher — a published author several times over — advised us to wake in the morning, look in the mirror, and say, “YOU are a writer!” Not being published didn’t make it not true. Anyway, lack of confidence is sometimes paralyzing. I have forced myself to join a writing community on Twitter. We write a short short story every Friday and post it on personal blogs to be read and critiqued.
Nerve wracking, heh!
Yes, acting, dressing, thinking like the person we want to become — which is who we really are, anyway — is good advice. If not now, when? Thanks for this post!
Thanks Marisa! And congratulations on joining that Twitter community. Putting your work out there definitely is nerve-wracking … but it’s the fastest way I know of to improve. If you’re writing, you ARE a writer — no two ways about it!
Thanks for this I’m not one for fawning commentary but love the tone and feel of this piece really made the piece resonate with me. If I could add my two cents I think what we’re all waiting for is, is to somehow succeed “magically” skipping those last few steps which are the most difficult. To prepare for success is to make the disappointment that much more painful. I really think fear of success is our biggest barrier to living deeply fulfilling lives. Prepare for success and expect a failure or two along the way and you’ll win more than you lose.
.-= Michael´s last blog ..Goal Gym; Goal Large or Goal home =-.
Ali, this is a great post and strikes such a chord with me. For years now I’ve been putting off starting my new venture because of not having had enough faith in myself and wanting conditions to be absolutely perfect. I’ve now taken a deep breath and just done it – and it certainly isn’t perfect yet, but already I’ve done more than I could have believed possible. I’ve brought my website to life and I’m really proud of it and I’ve set up courses in creative writing – and this time I won’t be doing it for an organisation, even though that’s always been a safer ‘umbrella’ under which to work. It’s scary to be out from under the umbrella but it’s also exciting!
Thanks Lorna (and so lovely to hear from you – I didn’t know you were an Aliventures reader!) Huge congratulations on branching out on your own: I think that scary-excited feeling is a good sign that adventure lies ahead…
(If anyone happens to be looking for a creative writing course in Oxford, UK, let me take this opportunity to recommend Lorna — I attended a day course of hers a few months ago and it was one of the best I’ve ever been to.)
Why is it so hard for people to simply accept a good deed\gesture without thinking a person “wants” something because of it. What I get out of is is simple – a good feeling down deep that there is not better payment. Sometimes life was very difficult for me and 3 kids but we made it and many times through the generosity of different sorts that people didn’t even realize. It’s very simple really – what goes around comes around>”a
Interesting question, Helen! Sadly, I suspect some people have found in the past that an unexpected favour or good turn means that the other party wants something from them.
Like you, I get the warm-fuzzies from helping people out. I love feeling that I’ve made a difference – for the better! – in someone’s day.
I’m glad you experienced generosity yourself; I’m sure that’s why you’re such a warm and generous person – you want to give something back. I’ve heard this described as “pay it forwards” – accept the good turns that others do for you, and instead of trying to offer them something in return, find someone who needs your help too.
I can definitely relate. I have been in this industry for 15 years. It has taken so much of me. I have dreamed of the day that I could walk away and not look back. I would love to do something more with my life. I would love to be able to do more with my family and what makes me happy. I am so afraid of changing. There are so many “what if’s”. Life is about taking risks. Perhaps it is time for me to take one of my own.
Casi, I think there’ll always be a lot of “what ifs”. Hope you get to walk away and do something which you truly enjoy. There will be a way … and it doesn’t need to be terrifying, it can be an adventure! Best of luck!
Hey Ali, I’m commenting again – just to say that I’m so glad you went to SXSW and Blogworld, and that you’re now able to speak about the experience so passionately. I’m inspired!
(Also, on a personal note, I also loved Monsoon clothes from afar for many years, but for me the prices were the daunting thing. The solution is to go during their New Year 70% Off sales, when people of all shapes and sizes such as me and my mum go in and try things on – at that much of a discount, the price isn’t such a barrier any more. I’m also less likely to think that my body is wrong for the expensive designer dresses, instead viewing them as outfits that I could buy if I wanted to, but if they don’t suit me, it’s fine to put them back.)
Thanks Rosie! Hope to see you at SXSW or BlogWorld in 2011
I got my wedding dress from Monsoon (their prices don’t look too bad when you’ve been in a bridal shop or two
) — good point about the discounts. Yes, it’s the price that puts me off; I don’t mind paying for something that I’ll wear day in and day out, but realistically, I wear dresses about twice a year!