When Overwhelm Hits Hard

Can’t you help me be uncrazy?

(Metallica, The Unnamed Feeling)

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt overwhelmed. Not consistently, but when it comes, it’s been a strong and scary feeling. And I want to share a bit about this, not because I have all the answers (I don’t really have any answers), but because I want to reassure you that you are not the only person who goes through this stuff.

Here’s how it’s been for me. Last week, I was struggling to write. I’ve got an assignment due in 4 weeks, which makes up 60% of my assessed work for my MA.

Our wedding plans have been going smoothly, but a few days ago it felt like there was still lots to organise – and it all seemed like too much.

On top of that, it’s that time of the month, where I’m always prone to bursting into tears at the sight of a cute baby, or getting mad at Paul for something totally arbitrary. (Sorry, love.)

I know there are plenty of ways to deal with stress. I know what’s likely to calm me down – making a list and checking things off slowly, journaling, going for a walk, taking a shower, doing some exercise. The problem is, when I’m pacing the room and yelling at Paul, or lying on my bed sobbing, it seems next to impossible to do anything to drag myself out of that mood.

It’s a horrid and destructive way to feel. It stops me getting on with work (which makes me even more stressed). And so I’ve been really focusing for the last couple of days on ways to be calmer.

It’s Not About Having Enough Time

When I’m in the grips of a big dark mood, I tend to blame my lack of time. If only I had a few weeks longer to work on the assignment or to finalise wedding details, everything would be miraculously stress-free… or if only I could push myself to work longer hours, I’d get more done, and I’d be able to keep up with all my other projects.

But it’s not really about the hours in a day or the days in a week. It’s about having enough energy and being focused on the right things.

Energy Levels

I was ill for a while after our trip to India, and that meant a delay to getting back into my usual writing routines. It’s also left me feeling more tired than usual – my sleep patterns are still a bit out of whack.

I’ve noticed that I get overwhelmed and upset much more easily when I’m feeling tired or a bit grotty. I also hate getting up late – it makes me grumpy and stressed. In retrospect, this is why Tuesday was such a miserable day: I stayed up too late on Monday evening and then slept badly.

I’m guessing this isn’t just me. I think most of us find that even little things can get blown out of proportion when we’re already run down?

So what’ve I been doing about it? I’ve been trying to get to bed on time, and making an effort to wind down before bed. I’ve stopped guilt-tripping myself if I do wake up late … I need the sleep at the moment.

Most importantly, I’ve been stopping and resting before I get to that point of total overwhelm. I spent quite a bit of Wednesday just focusing on being calm, even though that meant I got less done. I wasn’t perfect (I still felt stressed and had backache), but at least I wasn’t repeating the hysterics of Tuesday.

Being Focused

I’ve got two big projects – the assignment and the wedding – with deadlines very close together. Both need sustained work, though of different sorts. And both are pretty darn important to me – it’s very hard to say that one should get “more” of my focus than the other.

A lot of the overwhelm was coming from trying to focus on two things at once. Try picking two separate objects in the distance and focusing your eyes on them – you simply can’t. You can only get a clear view of one thing at the time.

So I’ve been trying to break things down. Mornings, I focus on my assignment. Afternoons, I sort out any bits and pieces that need doing for the wedding.

For me, focus always entails writing a list. This stops me stressing about forgetting something, and it helps me to see that I’m on track.

Focus also means thinking about what actually matters. At the end of July, I was trying to write bits of my novel that aren’t even part of this assignment – I wanted to get the whole thing finished. I pretty swiftly realised that this just wasn’t a realistic goal.

With wedding plans, I’ve tried to focus hard on what I actually want to accomplish. What matters to me is that everyone there (including me and Paul!) really enjoys the day and has fun. Frankly, if the foil on the little chocolate hearts isn’t the exact shade of blue of the favour bags, no-one is going to give a damn.

(Except my sister, who is a great artist and concerned about my total inability to colour-match. Sorry, sis, I did go for the light blue hearts, not the silver ones you wanted. You’ll get your special day in a few years. )

It’s Up to You

One of the things that bothers me most about me getting overwhelmed is the impact on Paul. He wants to be able to make everything better for me. He wants to take away whatever’s upsetting me.

The problem is, that’s not how it works. When I’m upset and stressed out, there are no magic words that are going to calm me down, and no amount of patience or kindness or love is going to pull me out of it.

I’ve got to dig myself out. Sometimes, I’ve just got to hang on to something and let the storm run its course.

That’s why I opened with that lyric – “Can’t you help me be uncrazy?”

The answer’s no. Of course other people are a great source of strength and comfort and balance; of course they can help you stay calm in a crisis. But ultimately, it’s up to you to take responsibility. You can’t blame someone else, or expect them to be able to reach down into your pit and pull you out. Not your partner, or your mother, or your best friend. It’s up to you.

Feeling overwhelmed really, really sucks. Sadly, it’s not something which other people can fix for you.

Trust me, I know how very tough it is to pull yourself out of this kind of mood. On Tuesday, I felt like getting a bottle of vodka and getting really drunk just to get myself out of the nasty swirl of thoughts. (Don’t do that, by the way, it’s never the answer.)

There is stuff you can do, and stuff that works. I never want to do it. But it does help.

• Exercise. This is the big one. I spent ages on Tuesday telling Paul that I was far too upset to work out, that I couldn’t exercise when I was crying, and that I wouldn’t be able to breathe. After five minutes on the cross-trainer I’d started to calm down. After about ten, I was fine. (This is something to do with exercise releasing particular hormones, I believe; doctors actually recommend regular exercise to help manage mild-moderate depression.)

• Shower. When exercise isn’t easy or when you can’t face it, getting a shower can help. A bath probably would too, but when I’m upset, I have too much angry-energy to lie peacefully in a bath.

• Recognise that it won’t last forever. When I’m in the grips of a bad mood, part of me is convinced I will never feel better. I always do. You will too. Just give it some time.

• Write. I’m not sure this always works. I find it more useful as a preventative tool than as something to do when I’m already feeling bad. But as a longer-term strategy, it definitely helps.

• Pray. (If you’re not religious, try meditation.) I’m not very good at actually remembering to pray when I’m upset. But it definitely helps when I do. Like writing, this one’s perhaps easiest as a long-term thing.

Ultimately, though, there are no easy answers. (Except, perhaps, “Don’t schedule your wedding the week after your final assignment deadline.”) Sometimes we take on too much. Sometimes we let life get on top of us. Sometimes we’re in the grip of a dark mood, and there’s not necessarily a reason.

But you’ll get out of that place. And you’ll learn something – about yourself, about how to manage your energy and your focus, about recognising your own symptoms of impending overwhelm.

If this is something you’ve been going through recently, you have my sympathy. Hugs to you. It will get easier.