Giving Up Commitments and Saying No to New Ones

I’ve distinguished between goals in my last post and commitments here, because they require a different sort of management. “Goals” are all those exciting projects and ventures that you’re tempted to take on. “Commitments” are things which aren’t goals, but which you regularly spend time on:

• Work which you dislike, but which pays the bills
• Voluntary tasks you’ve taken on
• All those little favours that people have asked…

A few weeks ago, I was offered the opportunity to resume some paid childminding. I did this on a regular basis until July, and loved being with the kids – but it means blocking out two afternoons on my schedule. I can generally get on with some work (usually reading or drafting blog posts) whilst childminding, but my main priority during those hours needs to be the children!

In this situation, my first reaction was a knee-jerk “oh drat.” I love the kids, they’re fun, bright and very well-behaved, and the cash-in-hand pay is always welcome … but I’d enjoyed having more flexibility over my schedule over the summer. When I have an instant “oh drat” reaction, I’m learning to treat it as a warning – a sign to be very wary of talking myself into doing something.

So, I made a tough decision. I decided to drop that commitment.

Quitting Current Commitments

Whenever you drop out of something you’ve been doing – even if it’s something you’ve lost interest in – you’re likely to feel some regret.

It’s easy to think that “if I quit now, all my previous work on this was a waste of time.” You need to realise that’s not true. You don’t invalidate your previous contribution by leaving – nor do you lose the knowledge and skills that you gained.

I often agonise for days or weeks about quitting something. I dreaded the morning when I handed in my notice at my old day job. I find it very hard to tell people that “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this commitment any more.” I expect you feel the same. If you’ve successfully quit things, though, you’ll know that it’s never as big a deal as your mind makes out.

Invariably, people’s responses have been better than I’ve expected: generally, they’ve been grateful for the time I have been able to commit, and they’ve understood my reasons for refocusing my attention on different things.

I know that one reason I find it hard to leave commitments is because I can be egotistical. I feel as though things couldn’t possibly function without me. I like to think I’m essential. The truth is, I’m not – and neither are you. People will cope without you. Here’s Sid’s story of having to pull out of a commitment:

Manoa Geeks was yesterday evening, and from all appearances, the lack of Sid’s demo presented little consequence …   The sponsor, ILovePhotos showcased a development build of their application that has been getting fantastic reviews around the web, and put on a great event.  The free pizza and company were excellent, and Ryan’s planning, if anything, was easier with one less demonstration to account for.

The lesson?  Sometimes we make commitments we can’t live up to, and we need to just let it go.

(Sid Cancels Commitment, World Does Not End. Sometimes, You Need To Just Let it Go, SidSavara.com)

What current commitments do you have that aren’t working for you?

• Your day job (it’s not impossible to quit)
• The volunteering you do on Saturdays
• That agreement to babysit your friend’s kids every Friday night
• Being secretary to a local committee
• Doing your mum’s gardening every other weekend

If there’s anything in your week or month that feels like a drag on your time and energy, start figuring out how you can leave that commitment. I’m not going to suggest that you simply tell everyone “I quit”: sometimes you need a withdrawal plan.

What’s the difference between strategically withdrawing and quitting? The former is a program that allows us to fulfill the obligations that are value-added or important while not taking on any more that aren’t. It recognizes that there are some obligations that we have that we really don’t want, but that it’s nonetheless important to see them through.

(Charlie Gilkey, Strategic Withdrawal: Quitting for the Rest Of Us, Productive Flourishing)

Can you:

• Give a month’s notice?
• Cut down your hours?
• Delegate some of your tasks?
• Re-negotiate?
• Find someone else to take over?

Avoiding New Commitments

When you’ve successfully reduced, re-negotiated and rationalised your current commitments, you’ll want to avoid taking on a ton of new ones.

What do you do when people come asking? The advice to “just say no to new commitments” often isn’t enough – for most of us, saying no is hard.

Saying no can be awkward, guilt inducing, nerve racking, embarrassing, even risky to friendship and career. (Barbara Kiviat, Why Almost Everyone Has Trouble Saying No, Time)

So how do you avoid taking on things that you don’t really want to do?

Be Clear About What You Do Want

If you’re focused on several important goals, you’ve said a strong yes to some things – which makes it easier to say no to others. When someone asks for a favour, or a time commitment that you don’t want to give, you can steel yourself to say “no” by thinking about how you could use that time or energy towards one of your goals.

This can be particularly useful if you have to attend meetings (whether for work or as part of a voluntary or charity organisation):

Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don’t want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, ‘I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can’t fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).’

(Assertiveness Skills – The Art of Saying No, Impact Factory)

Don’t Believe That It’s “Just a Small Job…”

Several times, I’ve taken on things because I felt petty saying no. They were “just a small job”, according to the people asking.

If anyone tells you that, I suggest making your “no, sorry” automatic. Usually, they either have no real idea of what’s involved (and so they’re probably not the person who should be asking you for the commitment), or they’re trying to talk you into something that they know is more work than they’re making it out to be. They might have good intentions, but it’s still manipulation.

Don’t Show An Interest

This should be an obvious point – but it’s one I’ve fallen down on before! Have you ever ended up giving in to a salesperson because you showed some polite interest at the start of their pitch, and you just got more and more drawn in?

Avoid asking questions that would indicate you’re interested (such as, ‘When do you need it by?’ or ‘Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?’ etc.)

(Assertiveness Skills – The Art of Saying No, Impact Factory)

Don’t Go Back On Your “No”

Once you do successfully manage to say “no” – don’t let people talk you into doing what they want. It’s confusing to people if you say no and then take on the commitment after all. It also becomes a vicious circle: next time you say no, they’ll assume you just need talking into it…

Saying no, doing yes
This is confusing to say the least. People will not know what your word is worth, saying no clearly does not mean no.

(How to say NO and have people respect you for it, How to Be An Original)

When You Can’t Say No

There are always going to be times when saying “no” simply isn’t an option.

Perhaps a friend is in real need of your help. Perhaps you feel a moral obligation to fulfil a commitment. I believe that sometimes you do need to put other people first. Just make sure that you’re distinguishing between the few cases where this really is true … and all the other times when you’re just avoiding saying “no” because it’s easier to be a people-pleaser.

If you’re feeling pressured into a commitment that you’re not sure about:

• Ask for a few days to consider. You might say something like, “It sounds like a great idea/project/plan. I’ve got a lot on at the moment, and I’ve promised myself I won’t take on any new commitments without being certain that I’ve got the time to fulfil them. Can I get back to you after the weekend?”
• Minimise your commitment. Say something like “I can only spend an hour a week on this” or “I can either do the minutes or organise the venue, but not both.” Alternatively, explain that “I can do it for a month, but no longer.”

I’ve found that the more I say “no” to new commitments, and the more often I’m willing to drop old commitments that aren’t working for me, the easier it gets! It’s an area where I’ve still got some way to go, though, so I’d very much welcome your tips and suggestions in the comments.