I had a conversation with my sister while I was at my parents’ for Christmas, and I wanted to pick up on something which she said to me and explore it here, because I suspect it’s an issue for a lot of people.
She started at Cambridge University last October, and just like I did when I was at the same stage, she feels under pressure to live up to all those around her.
We had a long chat on Christmas day: she told me “I don’t want to better myself” and I know completely what she means. And actually, I agree. (And she doesn’t need to. She can’t see it how her big sister does, but she’s a beautiful, funny, clever and very talented young woman.)
If you’ve ever felt under pressure to make new year’s resolutions because your friends were; if you feel guilty because your partner works longer hours than you and is constantly talking about doing more; if you read what everyone’s up to on Twitter and feel that you should have the same drive or determination; if you get a nagging feeling that you’re not supposed to be simply content with who you are and what you do …
… this post is for you.
You Are Enough
Firstly, I want to make it very clear that – whatever state your life is currently in – you are enough. Deep down, you are a fundamentally good, interesting, creative person. There are people who love you and value you. Each day, you already have the ability to make someone’s life a little brighter.
I feel that some personal development advice can be aimed at turning you into a different person. That’s not how it should be. By growing and developing, you become more yourself – not less. If you find yourself trying to follow a path which leads you missing the spontaneity or the joy or the fun of the “old you”, stop. Don’t try to turn yourself into a carbon copy of your best friend, or someone who you admire.
With all your imperfections and flaws, you’re still a lovable and wonderful person. If you’re impatient at times, is that simply the flip side of your desire for action and your dislike of procrastination? If your house is untidy, is that because you – rightly – focus your attention on things which matter more to you? If you never manage to stay in touch with old friends, is that because you’re good at embracing the present moment?
You are not a dress shirt that needs every wrinkle ruthlessly ironed out. You are a warm, snuggly jumper, loved not in spite of but because of your loose threads, your crumpled bits, your huggable qualities.
Your Happiness Matters
I know I mentioned this recently, but I wanted to bring it up again because I think it’s so important – and so easy to ignore or sweep aside.
Your happiness matters. Seriously, it does. I find that hard to accept myself: it might be an oldest sibling thing, but I’ve spent a lot of my life worrying about keeping everyone else happy. I often find it incredibly hard to figure out what I really want just for me.
It’s good to be happy. It’s right to pursue the things which you find enjoyable and fulfilling – even if those things seem silly or trite in the eyes of the people around you. If you’re perfectly happy, thank-you-very-much, with your chocolate habit or your penchant for a good stiff drink at 5pm, or your weekend mornings spent curled up under a duvet … then who the hell am I, to tell you that you should change?
I’m not saying that your adventures will always be easy – sometimes, a deep happiness means working through some less-than-pleasant moments. But, if you are perfectly happy with who you are and what you do, don’t force yourself to change things just because your friends or your parents or the folks you look up to do it differently.
Being Content is Good!
Of course, it’s great to grow and develop; that’s pretty much what Aliventures is all about. But it’s also great to learn to be content. At some times of your life in particular, you’ve got enough going on without trying to force yourself to do something more.
If you’re a student, like my sister is, it’s fine just to work towards your degree. You don’t need to feel pressured to join up to every extra-curricular event going, or to keep up with your music, or to start a business or write a novel or run a marathon. Cut yourself some slack, keep your goals to the bare minimum – getting your degree – and make sure you’re doing what you love during your time at university.
I experienced this first-hand five or six years ago, when I was at the same stage as my sister. There were days when I told myself “I should work harder”, when I looked at friends who were getting Firsts and thought that I should push myself to do the same.
After a couple of days of that, I realised that it was making me miserable. I wasn’t reading and studying because I enjoyed it – I was doing it because I felt I had to.
I took a look at my priorities, at what I really wanted from my time as a student. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to have time to simply have fun.
It was one of the happiest periods of my life.
There is a sense, sometimes, that if you’re content, you’re a bad person: you should keep on striving, struggling, growing, doing. Actually, it’s fine just to be. It’s good to be content. It’s good to enjoy your life with the money that you have – rather than feeling the pressure to keep working for more. It’s good to have fun hanging out with your friends – rather than feeling you have to go and get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It’s even good, dare I say it, to kick back and watch television, rather than force yourself to read an “improving” book.
Sure, read the book if you love reading. (I do.) But don’t feel you have to.
You get one life. This is it. If you’re not going to enjoy it, then what’s the point?
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Really fantastic post Ali. I think there can be a thin line between developing yourself and thinking there is something to be ‘fixed’ and it’s good to remind yourself now and then that there is nothing wrong with how you are. Thank you for the reminder that I am a warm, snuggly jumper.
Love the post. Sometimes we’re pressured by friends and family to do what they think we should be doing. No one likes to be pressured. And maybe they’re right sometimes that we should be doing that one thing….but it has to be on your terms. It has to be when you’re ready to make that step to improve, not dictated by someone else.
It’s really all about individual growth to know when you are content with where you are, and to know when to strive for more or want better. 2 years ago, I was content. Now I have new goals and I am looking to improve and shape my life in a different direction because I want to and not because someone else thinks I should.
Greg´s last blog ..What Result Does Minimal Effort Yield?
What a great post. It makes me want to cry for teenagers who kill themselves. If only they knew how precious they are.
Jen, thanks! I agree there’s a fine and delicate line (more like a razor edge at times…) and it’s really hard to walk along that.
Greg, glad you enjoyed the piece! Since you comment about the pressure from friends/family, you might like one of my other posts, which deals with that a lot more directly – http://www.aliventures.com/live-your-way/ (it was one of my first posts on Aliventures, so I know a lot of people missed out on it!)
Great point about individual growth: I was perfectly content as a student, but once I got out in the big bad world, I realised there was a lot I wanted to have a go at!
John, I think suicide is a deeply tragic thing — not just because of the hurt caused to families and loved ones, but also because no-one’s life is *ever* in a state where they can’t contribute something positive.
Thanks so much for this… This is a lesson that we all need to hear (especially my 50 year old self, since I don’t have it figured out yet!), and I appreciate you communicating it so well.
I am always looking to better myself, but I do it for myself. I haven’t always thought this way. As you pointed out, friends and family can put additional pressure on you to be what you’re not. I think most successful/happy people are going their own way.
I’m not at a point where I’m all warm and fuzzy yet, but that time is getting closer every day.
LisaNewton´s last blog ..Jay Leno and his “other” Obsession
As usual, this is an excellent post, Ali. I was thinking of it in connection with writing: when I wrote my novel I did it, of course, with a view to publication, loads of money (ha!) and undying fame – don’t we all?! Actually, though, I think I originally did it just to see if I could. I groped my way through, over the course of a number of years and true joy came out of simply exploring the story and its potential, feeling my writing powers develop, achieving that lovely tidy pile of A4 ready to be sent off. In the years since I published I’ve felt myself more and more distant from that first fine careless rapture. If I’m truly honest, I’m not enjoying myself as much as I did: I fight self-judgement, frustration with the publishing industry, envy of others (not an admirable trait, I know, but one to which writers seem particularly prone). Writing is my profession, the guidance of other writers part of it, and the result is a kind of over-aware inhibition. My aim this year (not a resolution – they tend to be doomed the minute you make them) is to try to lose some of the self-consciousness, regain some of the natural joy – and I think I’ll have to do this by trying to put some sort of divide up between my professionally-aware writerly/teacherly self and my instinctive creative self. And that will be tough. I’m so in the habit of looking outwards I feel I’ve lost some of the ability to tune into what I want as a writer – a symbol of that has been that for two years now I’ve been unable to settle on any one particular project – my mind and ambitions drawn hither and thither. Hope all this makes sense to you! Wish me luck. x
Ali, very thought provoking post. I’m a huge proponent of being content with one’s self. At the same time, I also adhere to the philosophy that we should continue to improve. That doesn’t mean doing what others think we should do/be. It can be as simple as reading a book, or running a marathon.
There is a difference between growing versus measuring of/by others.
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Cal and Lisa, thank you!
Todd, I personally like to improve, but I do recognise that it makes me a headache to live with for the less driven souls amongst us!
Lorna, thanks for the comment – and the writing honesty! I had my first class of term yesterday and it’s really got me back into the writing mood.: we shared some of the reasons why we write — and the reasons we get stuck.
I’m nowhere near publication yet, but I think I’ve become more self-conscious about my writing, and perhaps more judgmental of whether it’s “good” or “bad”, over the years. I was thinking earlier today how I used to write stories for my brother and sister when I was young, and give them as birthday kids — can’t imagine doing that now!
I know all too well the feeling of being drawn to different projects: I’ve not cracked it yet! (I actually find I like to be able to switch between various things — I took a break from novel-writing to do this blog post today, and the fiction flowed better afterwards).
Good luck! x
Hey Ali,-
Thanks for sharing your fabulous pot–oops, sorry for the Freudian slip of tongue there–I meant post!
Sometimes, I can’t resist cracking jokes and find it difficult to take life seriously as you have described.
In my humble opinion, millions of people all over the world have perished and are dying on account of both peer pressure and social conformity: these are sometimes related too. Suicide is an epidemic.
Youngsters (adolescents, teenagers) like your younger sister are particularly vulnerable. And the University of Cambridge has the kind of pressures that very few universities around the world do.
Please try to encourage your younger sister to join clubs, socialize and develop interesting hobbies.
Request her to find “objective interests” she can pursue outside of the academic world and social groups, such as taking a stroll in the park, swimming, meditation, yoga, and working out in the gym.
Encourage your sister to spend more time by herself, alone, and start to enjoy her own company.
Your sister will also meet, I am sure, her share of negative people at Cambridge–the gossips, the bullies, the mean and nasty people. Please encourage your sister to avoid such people, if she can.
Life is challenging as it is, so why associate with people you don’t like anyway? Your sister deserves so much better from life. And try to be there for your sister, always, when she needs a shoulder to cry on, a nudge in the right direction, a few words of worldly wisdom, and a little tender loving care.
Gosh, this will be one of the most exciting times in your sister’s life. It will be full of ups and downs.
I sincerely hope and wish and pray that happiness and success follow your sister’s way. Best wishes.
Cheers Archie! Thankfully, my sister is a very sociable and easy-going gal and has found a nice bunch of friends. We’re going to pop up and see her, probably in February, to take her out for lunch so I’m hoping that’ll be a good chance to find out how things are going for her…
Hey Ali,
I’ve been reading your blog for the past few months and I believe this is my first time leaving a comment. Absolutely fantastic post. It is very important to make sure that you “ENJOY” your path to success. I see a lot of people that won’t be content until they reach their goals. The vast majority of these people are not happier at all when they actually reach their goals, ’cause they are already chasing new ones.
We need to stop, appreciate and be happy with what we have right now… Life isn’t eternal, sadly…
CC´s last blog ..En 2010, on domine nos finances personnelles! Quoi faire? Passer à l’action à mon go… GO!!!
Once again, you cut through it all and hit the nail right on the head.
I think that you are enough and that you should be content with what you have. Life is such a wonderful and intriguing journey that you shouldn’t waste it wanting to be something else.
That being said, for me, I think part of what makes me happy and content is constant learning and continual development. I’m not necessarily trying to “better myself”. I just like to grow and push myself to see what I can achieve if for no other reason than to see if it’s possible (which it always is).
Really, really good post though. There are so many great points in here to take away and apply to our lives so that we can all be a little happier and a little bit less stressed. This is definite “cookie content” as Copyblogger would say. It makes our life better, can be used right now to be happier, and just reading it gives us pleasure. What more could I ask for as a reader?
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I like this post, because… despite suggesting something similar in many of my own blog posts, I very rarely do it myself. I generally spend a lot of time either typing or mentally berating myself for not typing. Having said that, as the commenter above says, I think I’d grow bored without some kind of mission. I just shouldn’t torment myself over it.
Nick Bryan´s last blog ..The Dangers Of Overclocking
Isn’t it funny how certain posts seem to catch your eye at just the right time? A week ago I would have brushed straight past this. I’d been putting the pressure on myself for some weeks now to quickly shape up post giving birth. As a Personal Trainer and health/nutrition writer I felt it was only right. I was really beating up on myself. And then early this week something changed. I just decided to stop beating up on myself. To accept and be happy with myself for who I am. And all of a sudden things are just coming together much more easily. This post has really brought it altogether for me – thanks Ali!
Kat Eden´s last blog ..100 Days To A New You – Guaranteed
I’m so glad I’ve subscribed Ali because I’m loving your posts.
I think mums/moms with little ones struggle with all of this too. It’s another vulnerable time. I spend a lot of time with other mothers, and so often have to say to them the same phrase you’ve used in your post: “You are enough.”
SquiggleMum´s last blog ..Confession: Prangs & Pride
Hey Ali,
Apart from reading your article, I have also been reading the commentary by other readers…thanks for leaving a comment based on my comment too. After a while, however, I forgot about your blog and decided to take a nap. During that time, suddenly an idea popped into my head. Here it is, then….
You know, your younger sister attends the same university (Cambridge) that you graduated from. Indeed, it may be the case–although I don’t know for sure–that you have retained some old contacts. If you still network with old friends–and are a member of alumni and other associations–maybe you can share those with your sis. Why not? That is, provided your sister doesn’t feel it is intrusive…she can perhaps gain and build a platform based on your earlier experiences at Cambridge. That can help your sister have an easier time there; maybe facilitate things for her. We want her to be happy, after all, no?
For example, maybe you can introduce your sister to some of your old college professors. Maybe there are other people you may know who are still working/living within the precincts of Cambridge.
Those contact could help your sis in so many different ways. It may even help your sister to adjust better there, land a job, win a grant/scholarship, and any number of opportunities. Merit is key, but sometimes younger people are just not aware of what’s available even within their immediate environs.
For example, your sister may be the brightest kid in class, but not be even aware there is a “quiet room” to the north of a certain lecture hall where she can enjoy an afternoon nap. Maybe you can lead her by the hand and show her the sights and sounds around Cambridge. What are elder sisters for anyway? Show her the secret nooks and crannies where you used to hang out when you were there.
And keep the channels of communication open with your sister. Since you and your sister will be living apart, it would not always be possible to meet face-to-face. So, tell your sister: Hey Sis, it’s okay to call me whenever, wherever if you feel like talking. Just give me a call, and I’ll be there for you. If you need a word of advice, gimme a call. If you are facing a problem/issue, maybe we can talk about it and find a solution as a team, as a family. And gift your sister a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers!
CC, thanks for reading — and thanks for leaving a comment! (There are so many blogs I read and never get round to commenting on, so I really appreciate you taking the time.) I agree with you — there’s not much point chasing a goal if you don’t enjoy the process.
Nick, yeah, I’m not sure I’ve got it properly sussed yet either. I think it’s good to feel a sense of drive; it’s bad when it becomes about productivity for productivity’s sake.
Kat, I’m really glad I could be part of things coming together for you! I started off Jan with high hopes, and quickly realised that I was going to drive myself into the ground if I wasn’t careful. Huge congrats on the new baby, and hope you get plenty of time to just enjoy being mom! I often have to remind myself that health is a lifelong thing, and it’s really not going to be a big deal if I’m a few pounds over my ideal weight for a month or two … I doubt my body really cares! (Though it’d be nice if my jeans would fit…)
SquiggleMum, I have so much respect for mothers (especially my own). Kids aren’t on the agenda for us yet, but I do some kids’ work at church and I’ve been a childminder, so I can imagine just how exhausting it must be to be a mum. (Which is why I’m not keen to rush into it any time soon!)
Archie, thanks for the second comment! Yeah, I do know people in Cambridge still — in fact one of them is my cousin, so she’s there for some hands-on support when my sister needs it. My sister’s studying a different subject at a different college, so there’s not a lot I can do at this stage to help with her academic work.
She seems to have done pretty well for herself in figuring out where the good student haunts are! (I have shown her a pub or two.
)
Ali,
Really enjoyed ready your post. There would be much fewer doctor visits in the world if people would learn to stop being so driven to achieve. The stress this creates is keeping the medical industry in business!
I have always loved to read. I was one of those kids that read encyclopedias when we had library time in elementary school. lol! Required reading assignments in school were something that I balked at having to do, though. My parents could never understand why a “reading assignment” would be a hurdle for me. You have explained it perfectly. It is all about who is making the choices for us.
One of my favorite poem is Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. Here is a line from it that rings true for your post.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
The poem goes on to tell us to ’strive to be happy’.
Great post, Ali, and thanks for sharing.
Terry Ann
so true so good!
I feel better now thanks Ali, I know all you wrote but sometimes I forget them thanks to you I remember them.
We get one life. This is it. If we’re not going to enjoy it, then what’s the point?
“Often we don’t listen to who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.”
Oprah Winfrey
Another great post thanks Ali …. I will be forwarding this to my kids ( again ) !! Lol
Thanks Cai, hope they enjoy it!
I think it’s really hard in the teenage/young adult stage to be your own person, there are so many expectations and so many people tell you how you “should” do things.
I love this article, Ali. In times where we are encouraged to eat more healthy, look good, exercise daily, … it takes courage to be who and what your are, and be happy with it. It’s hard to put into words, but you nailed it. Great post.
Bart Jacobs´s last blog ..Live
Cheers Bart! I’m all for having the good health to enjoy life to the full … but I’m also fully in favour of chocolate cake!
Brilliant post!
I can’t believe I haven’t found you before. Good thing @problogger tweeted about you and your book. I am a SAHM and a blogger too and I absolutely relate and agree to everything that you said here!
Have subscribed to your feeds now and followed you on Twitter too. Hurrah!
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Cheers Brenda! I’m glad you found me too — following you too on Twitter.
Hope you continue to enjoy reading!
I got here from Alex Blackwell’s post on “How to be Transparent without Being too Personal”. I’ve saved your post in my personal notebook. Thank you!.
This post really resonates with me right now because it’s “Annual Performance Review” time at my Company. Time for everyone to create a “Development Plan”" for the next year. Time for managers to list 3 things each employee could “improve”. Time for me, once again, to be seen as a “C” player because I like my job, I enjoy what I’m doing, I’m not ambitious, I don’t want to be a manager or a team lead, and I’m happy with who I am. At least, I’m happy until someone else tells me why s/he thinks I should change.
Maybe I should make a lot of printouts of your post and hand them to people who try to tell me that “content” isn’t “good enough’.
Vicki´s last blog ..vlb: Mac OS System Update says it wants to update "iLife Support". A natural sweet tooth fairy (http://bit.ly/sweet-tooth-fairy).
Vicki, thanks for coming on over, and I’m really glad the post was so useful to you! (And do feel free to copy it to all and sundry.
)
I was okay in my old day job because there was pretty much nowhere to go — it was a very small company with really limited potential for promotion. (They had a high turnover of staff, too, because people got bored…) I sympathise with you, though, I remember doing exercises in school where we were supposed to set targets for improving in each subject, and in the classes where I was getting high marks, I felt like there just wasn’t anything extra I could or should be doing!
Good on you for being content, and for being happy where you are; promotions often seem to make people more stressed and more busy! Hope the “Annual Performance Review” (oh, just the words make me shudder a little bit!) isn’t too horrible or too pointless.
Great post – thank you. It is a calming, soothing read.
Just love ‘You are not a dress shirt that needs every wrinkle ruthlessly ironed out. You are a warm, snuggly jumper, loved not in spite of but because of your loose threads, your crumpled bits, your huggable qualities.’ Excellent!
Thanks!
I quite liked that bit when I wrote it, but sometimes the bits I like are a tad pretentious… 